Just a little FYI. I, the Rossman, have got absolutely NOTHING against all you fatties in party hats out there. Most of my fat friends are actually the funniest bunch of fucks I know. They kick ass (lots of it). But, I'm just here to help those of you who don't wish to be fatties any longer.... For whatever reason. So now, all you fat fucks out there in internet land, GO GET SKINNY the Rossman way!
Things to do...
Step 1) First things first. STOP EATING. Seriously, drop that donut right fucking NOW. For some, step one can be all you need to stop being fat. It has been scientifically proven by skinny scientists that people who don't eat don't get fat.
If, however, you find that it is not possible to STOP EATING, you may at least attempt to cut back on your eating habits. Say for example that you usually have two bowls of Count Chocula, 4 Pop-Tarts, 5 eggs, 2 dozen sausage links and 12 strips of bacon for breakfast every morning... That's a lot of food you fatty. Christ! Anyway, try to cut your intake down to one Ritz cracker. Not per meal, but per day. Anything more and you will die of a heart attack tomorrow at 7:32AM right after you start brushing your teeth with meat.
If even this proves to be impossible for you (nice will power there, Mr. Arbuckle... FATTY Arbuckle), then do like the professional skinny people the world over do: Eat a shitload of food, then induce vomiting. NOT AT THE GODDAMN TABLE, you sick fuck, take it to the toilet or at least carry a bucket around. Make sure that you got all of your meal up before you're done. There's nothing more embarrassing for a fat person trying to lose weight then when he/she leaves even a single pancake in his/her stomach after evacuating the morning load. Don't worry though, after some time you'll be able to puke your meals out with such simple ease that the people in the next stall over will simply think that you have a bad case of the runs. They'll never even guess that you are purging your fat self of fat-making bad foods.
As an addendum to the "barfing up your meals", there is a downside. Just be aware that your esophagus will be eaten away by your stomach acids in a few months and your teeth will probably start to turn a putrid "yellow" or "green" if they weren't already that color. So you might have to coat your throat with candle wax before each expulsion just like Homer Simpson in that one episode where he ate Chief Wiggum's volcano-hot chili, and hose your teeth down with bleach after every vomit.
Step 2) Try to focus your non-eating or non-puking free time on another activity. This is to ensure that you don't start dreaming of cakes and pies while you are enjoying your newly founded free time of not becoming any fatter. Start drinking alcohol ("light" beers are preferable). Getting drunk always makes one forget about food and other food activities. Plus, if you're lucky, you may drink too much and vomit up all your alcohol and whatever else you might have in your stomach without even thinking about it! Huzzah!
You might also want to start smoking. Most people that I know who smoke are skinny little fucks with no desire to eat or even socialize. I don't know if it's the tabacky in their cigs or their disposition to hack up phlegm after every drag, but it works for them, as they are not fat. Can't you just feel the flab melting away!
Another thing you might try would be to start a pen-pal relationship with somebody. This is always a fun activity and you will find that hours of writing can easily make you forget that you crave a foot long meatball sub with 4 bags of chips from Subway every 20 minutes. Starting a pen-pal relationship with a convicted killer might be the best way to tackle this project. The terror that a killer might instill into your fat mind might make you fear for your life enough to stop eating, and maybe start sweating profusely in a healthy manner, when you hear that he breaks out of prison on a cold and stormy night just before your power goes out. Make sure that your letters make plenty of references to the killer's lesbianic mother, and try to insinuate that the killer likes to fuck his mother up her anus with a switchblade attached to his penis whenever possible. Nothing makes a man/woman lose weight faster than the FEAR of a psychopath hunting him/her down for claiming that they have an incestuous/sadomasochistic relationship with a beloved parent. In order to really feal the burn, do not keep any handguns or baseball bats in your house for protection. See, you're not even thinking about ordering 5 large Pizza Hut Meat-Lovers Stuffed Crust pies right now, are you?
You can also focus your newly found non-eating time on a new pasttime of cocaine sniffing, but because that is illegal in every state except Mexico, I cannot recommend it. True, cocaine is how supermodels stay so fuckably thin, but if you go too far with it you may end up looking like Skeletor, and your nose will bleed all the time. And let me tell you something, I will ONLY fuck skinny, Skeletor bitches doggy-style if their nose is bleeding... God that's disgusting! They're so fragile too. I broke 2 coked-out, Skeletor bitches just last week. Their bodies just look like skinny plastic bags filled with broken bottles when I'm done with them.
Step 3) If you are a complete pussy or cannot write letters to cons, then there's always Stomach Stapling. That's the be all, end all way to make sure that you do not eat lots of food and get, or remain, fat. You don't even need to go to a real doctor to get this simple procedure done.
First things first, go out and hire a whore. Not just any whore mind you, but you need to find one with a pimp and an enforcer who could scare the black out of Dave Chapelle. Then, either keep the whore out two hours past your allotted time, or just slap her in the face in front of her monster pimp. The pimp or the enforcer should then produce a knife from somewhere and proceed to slice your belly open with one or two quick slashes. Take this opportunity to pull out the carpenter's stapler that you had in your back pocket (mental note, remember to bring a carpenter's industrial strength stapler) and fold your now exposed stomach in half. Then staple the shit out of it in order for it to hold its now "half" size without unfolding. Then use the stapler to close your belly up again. Sterilize the bleeding wound with 90% or higher proof alcohol and then finish the bottle orally. If your stomach doesn't stop bleeding you should be drunk enough to not care. If you are alive 3 hours after the operation, congratulations! You are the proud new owner of a groovy stapled stomach! Go out and celebrate in order to test it out. If you can't fit in anything more than 3 french fries without puking or feeling like you are going to die, then Mosoltov! The surgery was a complete success!
Step 4) If you are afraid of pimps and other knife-weilding loonies, have no fear. You can always go the natural way of girth-reduction. First you have to either acquire a tapeworm or catch the dysentery. Then either swallow the worm or just wallow in your medical condition. Now, eat all you want and your infections will just do away with them! Seriously, now you can probably die of malnutrion by gorging yourself on a daily basis. Hurray for Science and Nature! Can getting thin get any easier than this?
Step 5) Finally, if you just can't give up your over-indulgences in over-eating, you're afraid of worms and intestinal diseases, and you don't want to projectile vomit your meals out of your mouth after every meal, and you're too much of a complete and total faggot to let yourself get knifed by a pissed off pimp, there's always LIPOSUCTION. Yes, you fat fat fuck, you, I said "liposuction." The EASY way out. The only problem with the old lipo is the fact that once fat fucks suck the juicy goo out of their guts and thighs, they usually go right back to being obesely portly within just a scant few weeks or months. Then the circle of cellulite continues. Fat, thin, fat, thin, uber-fat, thin, Oprah-rebound-fat, thin, etc. It never ends. Now, this can become very expensive for all you pathetic giver-upper fatties out there in fat fat land, so I have a suggestion: Do it your own goddamn self. Seriously, it's the only way you'll somehow EARN the right to be skinny. So, what you do first is take a knife/pair of scissors/sharpened spoon, and make a small incision on your enormously huge belly right below the navel. Be careful to just cut the skin, do not go deep enough to slice open any intestines. I don't know how to put those back in there so you'd be on your own if you fucked that up. Next, put the hose attachment on your vacuum cleaner and stick the end of it into the gash you recently made in yourself. Then, make sure there's a fresh bag in the vacuum before flipping the "on" switch. If you are especially tubby, you may need to empty the bag at least once during your self liposuction operation. Watch the "full" gage. Careful not to push the hose too far into your own abdomen... I've seen it happen before. Bad things, George... Bad things.
If you are so fat that you spend most of your money on food and could never afford a vacuum cleaner, then all you need to do is borrow your neighbor or your landlord's garden hose, insert that in your self-made belly hole, and then siphon off the clumpy lard like you would a schoolbus' gas tank. Just remember to rinse your mouth out with Listerine before giving anybody a celebratory "kiss" after you are skinny.
Once all your fat is out, and hopefully NOT all over your floor (Christ! You'd never get that out of the carpet, trust me), all you have to do is tie up your self-made belly hole with a rubberband or something. You know you're going to need to use it again, so why permanently close it. You have absolutely NO fucking will power, you fat fat fatty fuck. God, you make me sick... Well, your fatness doesn't make me sick (I personally think that fat bottom girls rock), just your lack of any kind of will power. Pathetic.
(Bonus Hints) Here are just a few more hints on how to stop being a fat fuck.
Now go out there and become skinny and the new hotness!
Or just go back to the How To Page
or the Digest Main Page
or the Chronicle's Main Page.