So you're tired of being a successful and non-laughed at member of society. You're sick of being taken seriously and having people actually respect you. You're ready to be mocked for being, looking, smelling and acting different than normals... You're now ready to become a geek.

Things to do...

Step 1) First things first. You must get into the "geek frame of mind". You must learn to think like a geek before you can become a geek. Before we get started, remember that a "nerd" is not necessarily a geek. Those two terms get confused a lot. Nerds are smart little fucks who always screw The harley bellyup the curve in algebra class. Geeks are just losers who love something (usually an inanimate object, television show, video game, or movie) far beyond what is considered "normal" or "not retarded" by average humans around them. Geeks don't have to be smart though. About fifty percent of them are legally allowed to ride the small bus to school if they so choose. So some geeks are nerds and some nerds are geeks, but not all nerds are geeks and most assuredly not all geeks are nerds.

Okay, back to "thinking like a geek". You must now go out and find something that you think you can give all of your love to. No, not a member of the opposite sex. If you can still find a mate on your own without your parents or aunts setting you up into an arranged marriage then you cannot be a geek. Nope, geeks must give their "love" to something either inanimate or intangible (i.e. comic books, video games, pen and paper RPGs, anime, Star Trek, Star Wars, dressing like a loser [i.e. i.e. goths], or costumes). Once you've found your new love you must begin saying goodbye to the people around you who might really care for you. No, you're not going on a trip or dying or anything like that, silly. Instead, you're going on a "mental trip" in which none of the normals around you could ever (or would ever) want to follow you on.

Step 2) Become waaay too focused on your new love. This step may sound simple, but it is in fact one of the most difficult parts of your transformation from normal to geek. You must be able to block out all references to real life events, family and obligations. When something really important to normals does happen and does require your geeky attention then you must be able to prioritize accordingly. For example: If DragonCon is coming to town for a weekend, but your younger brother's funeral (after he died in a horrible and tragic and unforgiving car accident due to getting a blow job from a dimestore hooker while doing 95 in a 45MPH zone) is scheduled during closing ceremonies, you must know what you have to do without thinking twice about it.... OF COURSE you choose the DragonCon closing ceremonies! Every true geek knows that you only get 3-5 chances a year to dress up in way too tight and disturbingly lame costumes while mingling with other geeks and dorks and lame-o's for a full weekend at various geek-cons across the country. But you already had a good 16-23 odd years to hang with your whore-addicted brother. Plus, it's not like you're going to get your bro to talk to you or anything at his own funeral. The guy's already dead. Move on.

Throbbin'Another part of step 2 is the need to spend outrageous amounts of hard earned cash on your pathetic new life. Now, you can spend this money in several different ways: You can buy lots of anime, sci-fi, fantasy DVDs; You can spend shitloads on sad costumes (especially costumes that have fur in them) that help you forget that you're a pathetic piece of anti-societal shit; You can decorate your entire living quarters (aka your mom's basement [NEVER the attic! The attic is too cool for a geek. If you're still living with your parents, and you'd better be, you'd best be living in the basement or in a converted garage]) with posters and models and mini-busts of your favorite comic books or movie stars; Or you can spend all your money on porn sites that cater to furries and chicks in Vampirella costumes fucking themselves with lightsabers. You can spread your money around and buy a little bit of each of these things if you choose, but don't ever use your cash to buy real clothes or soap or some shit like that. And of course it goes without saying that you could and probably should (if you want to become an uncontested geek) spend copious amounts of your money on food. Get fat and never look back. If there aren't at least two rolls of gut hanging out of your pants and shirt (at all times), then you will never be able to attain the title of "Uber Geek".

And the final part of step 2 is the "geek wisdom" you must massage into your little brain. You are required to memorize every fact, figure, piece of trivia and rumor that ever existed about your new found geek love. For example: If you have a hard-on for X-Men comics you must know A) Who penciled issue 245 of Uncanny X-Men, B) How many issues ahead of time was The Fall of the Mutants mini-series foreshadowed in, C) How many times Jean Grey died, D) Who first got Gateway to say anything, and E) The order in which you would want to fuck all the X-Babes if they were real, and they were in a coma so that they would actually let you touch them. If you have a geek-love for B5 you must know A) How long it takes to fall from the center of B5 to the garden level, B) Why the Mimbari's legendary hero had human DNA, C) The name of the uber secret fighter squadron that is piloted by earth telepaths, D) What a vorlon is, and of course E) How many penises a male Centauri has... You know, shit that would make a "normal" scratch his/her head with ignorance and irritation when asked. Information that nobody in their normal right mind would give a shit about even for a second or on a dare or for money. Probably not even for a lot of money. And if you can't quote every single Flying Circus sketch and Monty movie while acting each scene out (you'll have to act out all of the characters in all the scenes by yourself too, unless you're somehow inexplicably with another geek when the quoting begins... Veeeeery inexplicably), well, then you shall never pass the proverbial Black Knight who guards the bridge to true geekdom.

............tubby is funny

Step 3) If you can slip into your own twisted little world, do so. LARPers are the lamest, gayest, and therefore geekiest bunch of losers on the planet. This is your ultimate goal, all you geek-wannabes out there. If you can learn to like to pretend that you are a vampire and you like to dress all dark and spookily (like Count Chocula's cock-sucking younger brother), then you can do it! Becoming an obese LARPer means becoming "King" of even the Uber Geeks.

If you have the brain capacity (i.e. if you are a nerdy geek), learn your own made up language too (i.e. like Elvish, Klingon, Wookiee, etc.). If you so choose, you can create your own retarded language. Then you can just mumble incoherently to others and when they try to communicate back with you in your own language you can always just change the verbal rules and the pronunciations. Then you can aggravate friend (well, you may have trouble making or keeping "friends" by this point, so let's just say "acquaintances") and foe (and booooy will you have lots of "foes") alike!

Step 4) Finally, you must work on your self image. The most important aspect of being a geek is your appearance. Even when you're not in any type of costume (which should be a very minimal amount of time each day), you should be very clearly labeled a geek by the normals around you. And no showering. Especially before a big convention. Seriously, how else are you going to get the con-funk into high gear before a con even begins if you show up all April fresh and shit.

But as for your geek image, there are many paths to chose. You can wear unwashed T-shirts with the logo of your favorite superhero or movie title on it day after day. You can decorate your car so that it looks like an X-Wing fighter or the Enterprise (bonus points for having it glow in the dark). You can also grow some cheesy mutton-chops in a hilarious attempt to imitate Logan's hairy puss. The sky's the limit really, but as I stated earlier you MUST BE A TUBBY LITTLE BITCH or else all hope is lost. Seriously, if you don't have a gut that makes Homer Simpson (from that episode where he goes all obese in order to get a disability handicapped job working from home) look like Twiggy, then you must accept the fact that you can never truly be a geek. You will always have to remain a wannageek. You pathetic pathetic fucktard.

Now Take the Geek Knowledge Test!
Check out each of the photos below and see if you can guess if the person is a geek or not. You have 30 seconds. BEGIN!

Notta geek
Hell no
The lesson to be learned from the above pictures is that not all people who dress up as fictional characters for fun are in fact true geeks. They may wish to become one some day, but they have not quite attained the air of geekiness that is necessary to live a life with no life. The people above who didn't qualify as geeks more than likely get laid at least once a year. A true geek would be horrified with the thought of giving up his/her virginity to anybody who didn't think of them as a "last resort and a final chance to 'get some' before dying of a terminal disease".

(Bonus Hints) Here are just a few more hints on how to be a geek in case you encounter some problems on your journey into lamer madness.

  • Problem: You just can't get fat.
    • Solution: You sad sack of monkey balls. Getting fat is like the easiest thing on the entire planet to do... Well, unless you like live in like India or all of Africa or something just as dusty and non-food-filled. First of all you need to start eating stuff that has warning labels on the package. Make sure all your 7-8 main meals a day are from KFC, Micky Dee's or BK. Then, make sure that none of your many many snacks are "natural" or were "grown". Throw away all fruits in your fridge (they're natural laxatives anyway, and you want to keep all your lard inside you) and start a steady diet of cheese and any of the fine assortment of Frito-Lay products. If within 2 months you do not weigh 30-200 pounds more than when you started your weight-gain project... Then your metabolism hates you and wants you to stay "normal" forever. Give up the geek dream now.

  • Problem: Even after you become a geek people still want to hang out with you. Normal people.
    • Solution: What the fuck?! Bullshit, buddy. You know you're only lying to yourself. Seriously, who are you trying to fool? Did you quote your "friends" the Prime Directives yet? Did you state for them the combo attack that is needed to beat that final Witch Boss in FFVIII in intricate detail? Did you tell them all about the history of anime and the reason why all the supposedly Japanese characters have "gaijin eyes"? If you did, and all your normal friends still hang out with you then they are more than likely NOT normal, or they are all in your head. Next time you happen to "hang out" with these supposedly normals, have a third party take a picture of the group. You will probably find out in hindsight that your normals are either all total geeks themselves, or that they were all simply in your noggin. If this is the case, then congrats! You are now a "Mental Uber Geek!" That's quite an honor.

  • Problem: You become a geek, but then you change your mind and want to become a normal again because loneliness blows.
    • Solution: Sorry, pardner, but it don't work that way. Once you become a geek, you are a geek for life. Acceptance is the only way out.

Now go out there and become geekified!


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