So you're tired of being a goody-goody. Letting people chew you out and walk all over you just because they think they can... You're ready to chew back. You're ready to become an asshole. Yes, now you too can be one of those people who shits on everybody else! It's easy, it's fun, and the sense of power it instills within you will make you feel like a new person! It's time to begin leading your asshole life!
Things to do...
Step 1) First things first. The best way to get started being an asshole is to stop telling the truth. Lie. Lie about everything. The more obvious the lie the better. If somebody asks you what the weather is like outside, and you know that it's rainy and cold, tell them "Oh, it's like 70 degrees and sunny. It's fucking beautiful." This kind of response will usually be rewarded with a strange look and the askee will then retreat away from you. If your lie causes disbelief and the askee of the original question challenges you, in order to be an asshole you must become confrontational at this point too. You must believe in your own lie in order to sell it. If the askee replies to your lie in the following manner, "Are you sure it's sunny and warm? The weather man this morn said that it was to be rainy and dreary. That doesn't sound proper right," then you have permission to "get up in his face." State back to the moron, "Well, if you saw the fucking weather forecast this morning, what the hell are you asking me for?!" Or "Who the fuck are you going to believe, a fat, bald weather man with turkey gravy on his face, or me?!" Or you can throw a punch into the askee's face. Any of those responses would be considered assoholic.
If you can use your lies to get somebody else in trouble, then you get bonus points. Say that your boss asks you where the file on the Johnson family is, and you dislike your coworker, Ralph. Even if you don't know where the file is, tell your boss, "Sir, I think that Ralph was last seen with it when he left for his 4 hour martini lunch at the strip club this morning. I will ask him about it if and when he returns... But you know how he is when he comes to work drunk. Heh, we'll be lucky if he can still grab your secretary's ass he'll be so sloshed." If you want you can even involve multiple people in your lies. That sometimes makes them more trouble-worthy, and you a bigger asshole. Let's go back to the example of the "Johnson family file." If you are asked about it, and Ralph has ticked you off earlier that day and Janice has a habit of eating the last jelly donut that she knows you like to have, you can say, "Sir, I think that I saw Ralph and Janice using that rolled up file to snort a huge line of cocaine in the breakroom just a little while ago. Though by this time they're probably already on the roof urinating off the building and onto your car. Yeah, it's about 3PM. That's right." Just remember that there are rules when dealing with a superior in an assoholic manner. You must never truly piss off somebody, and make them lose their temper with you as their anger-target, who can cause you to suddenly be without a steady paycheck. Always be your boss' buddy, but use your asshole talents to piss off coworkers and underlings. Being an asshole is all about the power. More than likely, the reason your boss has more power than you is because he's a bigger asshole than you.
In case you ever wondered, lying is what made politicians the be-all end-all assholes that they are. All of them lie. They lie so much that sometimes they really think it's the truth. Learn from their mistakes though for this gets them into trouble when they tell too many lies to too many different groups of constituents. Say they'll tell their rich voters that there will be no new taxes on them or their businesses if they're elected, but then they turn around and tell their poor voters that they plan to rape the shit out of the rich as soon as their elected. One of those is a lie, maybe even both. This kind of thing makes them the perfect asshole, but if either (or especially both) those speeches are published or aired on the television then they will be caught up in their own deception and a never ending spiral of lies must be produced to cover up their original ones. This is bad. Sure, it makes them uber-assholes, but us regular assholes want to do more with our days than spend them covering our asses. Just make up one lie at a time, and make them lies that you could easily back away from with a simple "Oh, I guess I was wrong. Eh, whatever." Assholes never really care what people think of them anyway, unless they must use them to gain more power.
Step 2) Start using profanity like a mother fucker ass bandit. Assholes curse all the fucking time. They fucking have to curse to make sure that you are goddamn paying attention to them. Dickhead. To show you how fucking effective profanity can be, you should try the following exercise: Look in a goddamn mirror and say the following. "Good morning. Was that you who cut me off right in front of the parking lot when the light turned yellow? Well, I'm glad you got the last space. I did not mind the walk from 5 blocks away. I needed the exercise." Not very intimidating, and kind of weak. No asshole in his right mind would utter such pleasantries over an altercation such as that.
Now, while still staring at your fucking self in the shitty mirror, say this: "Heeeeey, good morning, you asshat motherfucker! Was that your shitty car that cut me the fuck off right the hell in front of the parking lot when the godforsaken light turned yellow? Fucking yellow!!!! Wellll, twinkle twat, I'm sooo damn glad you got the last fucking space. I sure as fuck didn't mind the 5 goddamn block walk to the office. Unlike you, tubbyfucker, I needed the exercise." You scared yourself just now, didn't you. I am always amazed at the power of the verbal vomit.... The "f" and the "s" words are not "curse words," they are "blessed words."
Use profanity when it is least appropriate to quickly become an asshole in everyone's eyes. Cursing in front of children is a quick way to become a complete asshole. It's even better when you direct any profane comments towards children. "Hi there, little Heather. Is your mommy taking you out to fucking McDonald's for dinner? Christ, your mom's such a goddamn cheapskate cunt, isn't she." Heather's mom might just call you an "asshole" to your face. Congratulations!!
Step 3) Shit on everyone's parade. It is up to you, as an asshole, to point out the negative in everything in the world around you. Say that your friend tells you that he's going to propose to his girlfriend this weekend. A true non-asshole would say, "Hey, buddy, that's great news! Congratulations! You are so lucky!" While a true and complete asshole would say, "Holy shit!.... Dude, did you think this through? Janet's good looking and all... Lord knows I'd hit it... But she's like a total gold digger. You've got, what, about 20 grand saved in your bank account? Shit, dude, she's gonna blow through that like Monica Lewinsky blows through the Oval Office. Man... and her tits really sag. Christ, imagine having to suck on those table-scrapers for the rest of your life... Or, more realistically, until she spends all your fucking cash and runs off to Italy with her yoga instructor. Good luck!"
You can also add some lies to your parade shitting, but honestly it's better to only tell the truth in circumstances such as this. Sometimes the truth can be ten times more damaging than a lie.
Other appropriate times to shit on parades are: Birthday parties ("Christ in a blender!! You're how old? Damn, that's how old my cousin was when he found out he had the AIDs and prostate cancer. You better check yourself hourly, man."); Office meetings ("I hate to bring this to everyone's attention, but despite our gain in profits this year, the fact that we hired on 5 new people in Human Resources really drained our budget to high hell. Oh, and Tina had to go to that expensive conference in London for God only knows why, and we're actually more in the red this year than we were 2 years back, when your wife died, Frank. Oh, and I slept with her two nights before her last chemotherapy session. She must have used up her last breath of life that night, I tell ya! An animal! Whooo!"); and Church services ("What are the odds that God really exists? Seriously, we could all just be praying to fucking air, wasting several hard earned hours a week in a freezing room with a bunch of freaks who can't even sing on key to save their unexisting souls. This Jesus-wafer's probably not even very nutritious either."). Never waste a chance to "tell it like it is" and be a true asshole.
Step 4) Insult people to their faces. Assholes don't insult people behind their backs. Pussies do that. Be discreet about it though, and if you can, do not let the person know that they are being insulted until the conversation is over. Say for instance, that you know that the person that you are talking to is a vegetarian, but that it's not for medical reasons, it's because they retardedly think that by not eating meat that they are saving the life of a moo cow. Try telling them, "Did you know that the less meat people in this country eat the more meat is exported to Canada and Mexico? Buncha mongos in the world, huh?" They might have tuned out the first part of your insult, but they more than likely caught the "mongos in the world" quip, and thought, "Yeah, people who eat more meat are mongos. Yeah!" Only later to re-hear the whole conversation in their head and realize that they were the ones being put down. God, vegans are stupid!
Children fall for this all the time, so practice on them. Say things like, "Hey, little Jimmy, did you wet your bed last night? No?... Hmmm, then why did your mom say that you... Oh! That's right, she didn't say you HAD an accident, she said you WERE an accident. Here's some candy." Little Jimmy'll be all happy and "Oh boy, candy!", but later, when the lollipop is gone, he'll remember the "accident" talk with you and then he probably really will pee his bed. God bless the children.
Step 5) Tell offensive jokes, trying to involve other people's family members. This one's pretty self explanatory. Racist and sexist jokes produce the best results. Just memorize a few of them and blurt them out at opportune moments (while dining in a fine restaurant, walking in a crowded mall, or at your child's preschool pick-up). For an added asshole bonus, you can personalize your jokes, and remove where the Pollack, Irishman, Jew, Frenchie, Gay, Black, Redneck, Muslim, or Asian is the punchline of the joke, and simply turn it into a "Your mother" kind of thing for the person you're telling it to.
Bwa ha ha ha!! Also, it's best to laugh while you're telling it. Pretend to catch your breath throughout the telling, and wipe a tear or two from your eyes in order to throw the person you're telling it to off guard. With you laughing, by the end of the joke your audience may be angry and not fully understand why.
Step 6) Shove religious beliefs in other people's faces, especially ones that aren't yours. The best place to do this is in the bathroom when people can't readily escape the conversation. Guys, wait till your prey is unzipped to let him have it. Start off with something like, "Man oh man are those terrorists lucky. I mean, they get 72 goddamn virgins in heaven! Wow! I can't even find ONE on Earth! Boy oh boy.... So fucking lucky." Or wait till you see your coworker rushing to the can after a 2 burrito lunch. Follow him in and wait till his pants are around his ankles before launching into, "Hey, did you know that Jesus Christ suffered and died for our sins? It's all in the Bible. Did you know? Right now, if you were to repent your wrong-doings I'm sure that God would love you like before you turned evil. Oh, but you can never have sex again. Jesus never had sex. It's just our way of saying 'Thanks, God, for fucking dying and shit.' But, seriously, I don't think that Amanda, Marvin's secretary, is going to Heaven. My God is she a slut! She knows this trick with her tongue..." You get the idea.
Step 7) Insist that people "check something out" RIGHT NOW. Make sure that they are busy or completely not interested, and make sure that what you want to show them is either stupid, pointless, or disgusting. If it's something (a webpage, a hand drawn picture, a shitty poem) that you personally wrote/drew, so much the better. It will make them feel kind of obligated, until they see just how retarded and/or insulting that something is. For example, I make people read my webpage all the time. My sister Jaime will be running late to pick up her fiancee at the airport after being deported by Carl's friend in Homeland Security for some shit and I'd call her up and say, "Hey! Sis! You have GOT to check out this hilarious webpage! Come on, it's hilarious! I'm fucking shitting my pants right now just thinking about it. Come on... Come on... Come on... Come on... It won't take long at all. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Do it. Come on, just this once. It's funny! Really funny! I'm still laughing. Yeah, okay good. The address is 'www.therossma-'... Yeah, it's my webpage. But it's funny! Yeah, you HAVE to read it. Yes, now. Trust me..." It goes on and on until she does eventually read it and Kiff is arrested again for loitering in the airport near the luggage carousel. For some reason non-assholes never just hang up the phone. Use that knowledge against them in order to make you a bigger asshole.
Step 8) Finally, you must make people realize that you are better than they are. You are so close to being a fully fledged asshole. Your only step left is to make everyone around you realize that you are 50Xs better than they are. Fuck them all. Panhandlers in the street should be openly mocked. That annoying secretary down the hall who wears too much (way too goddamn much) perfume should make you carry a portable fan blown in her direction (while you mutter, "Smells like goddamn 'Nam round here") everytime you pass her desk. That bitch at the book store who has to price check your fucking Playboy Sexy Girls of Summer newsstand special (despite the fact that it clearly says it's $6.95 on the goddamn cover) should fucking shave her unibrow and move the fuck back to mother-fucking illiterate Russia. That guy who looked at you funny in the elevator this morning was just some psycho freak checking your ass out because of jealousy and gayery. YOU ARE SOOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN ALL OF THOSE FUCKS COMBINED. Stick your nose up high, strut your stuff with confidence, mock the loser taking your lunch order, pee in the company coffee pot and then inform people that somebody peed in it later on when it's all gone, and constantly tell people that they "can suck iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!" while pointing exaggeratingly to your crotch. Congratulations, asshole, you have arrived.
(Bonus Hints) Here are just a few more hints on how to be a world class asshole.
Now go out there and become an asshole!
Or just go back to the How To Page
or the Digest Main Page
or the Chronicle's Main Page.