G.I. Joe versus the Movie and Logic
 

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73. Geez! How shitty are the Joes' records? The military court officials (of which even General Hawk is a part of) are caught COMPLETELY off guard when Duke reveals that Falcon is his half brother. That should be pretty basic info in his dossier there.

74. Was that Wild Bill up there on the bench in the court room next to Hawk? What?

75. Oh boy, here we go... Cobra La's history, that contradicts both the Bible and REAL archeology. 40,000 years ago Cobra La dominated the planet? This planet? We've found dinosaur bones from 65 million years ago, but nothing of this global Cobra La civilization. Though if scientists DID know about it, then they're probably hiding their findings due to fear of getting laughed the fuck out of their respective fields.

76. I love how in Golobulus' flashback the ice age came up so damn fast that football field-sized icebergs tended to POP UP out of the ocean, sinking giant insect ships, in the blink of an eye. I hope Al Gore IS right about global warming... I never want to experience this shit firsthand! I think I'll go outside and empty a few cans of hairspray into the sky when I get home. Just to make sure.

77. What the GODDAMN FUCK!??! Cobra Commander is now supposed to be a blue-skinned, multi-eyed, slit-irised Cobra La-ian?! We've seen his skin color and his eyes many times in the past when he wears his hood instead of the faceplate... Ugh, I threw stuff at the TV when this part came up back when I was a kid. Fucking messing with already canonical histories of characters is unforgivable, even in shit like children's programming.

78. Those are some damn impressive fungusoids at Cobra La HQ. Without anything as "primitive" as rocket propulsion they launch themselves with enough force to break free of the planet's gravity and station themselves into a perfect orbit around the Earth's outer atmosphere. They can also genetically reshift any advanced creature's DNA into a more primordial form if they breathe it in... Why don't they just KILL us instead? Once again Golobulus has proved that he has way too big a heart.

79. Wait, Cobra La NEEDS the BET to warm the spores in space, and the spores auto launch themselves into space in a few hours time?! What the hell was Golobulus and Cobra La going to do with their master plan if mankind never invented and perfected the BET? They were cutting it a little close as it is, especially considering Golobulus had this plan on paper for at least 40,000 years! Golobulus calls humanity stupid and primitive, but in all this time Cobra La never developed anything to help this multi-millenia project come to its fruition on their own. Seriously, what the fuck were they planning to do if there never was a BET?!

80. That is one tough as nails duffle bag that Lt. Falcon took with him to Sgt. Slaughter's ass kicking camp. It's thrown from a helicopter about a mile up in the sky, and it lands without even popping a seam. They should line flak jackets with whatever material that thing's made out of.

81. Falcon is one dumbfuck. He meets Mercer, one of Slaughter's Renegades, who has a Cobra logo underneath a Ghostbusters-like crossout circle (the universal sign for "no", or "I don't like this"... think of the typical "no smoking sign" for a clearer idea of this philosophy), and his immediate reaction is "Cobra trooper!"

82. When Roadblock and his crew make their escape from the Cobra La jail the Cobra La shock troopers apparently forget that they are super strong, super tough and fast (and utterly kicked all of the Joes' asses just a week or so before), as they just stand there and take a licking by an unarmed, undernourished group of seven POWs -- completely overpowered by them.

83. Ahhhh, so that's where all those Cobra troops got it from... Nemesis Enforcer (who is ordered by Golobulus to bring back Roadblock and Cobra Commander) watches the two of them jump off a cliff and into a river, but then he just turns around and gives up looking for them before they could have even had time to bob to the surface. Grade A tracking instinct there.

84. Wait a minute... With all of Cobra's higher ups in Cobra La, who's running the rest of the organization? They've been gone for weeks at this point! The BATs? Is that why we haven't seen them since the opening?

85. Another major contradiction of already established characterizations comes up here... Would the human leaders of Cobra (Destro, the Baroness, Mindbender and especially the Crimson Twins) really bow down to Cobra La like this, and go along like little sheep with their plans to WIPE OUT all of humanity? True, all these Cobra people seem to hate the US of A, but to annihilate everybody in the world because a megalomaniacal snake man said it was for the best?... If I was Destro I would have calmly returned to the Terrordrome at this point and then returned with an armada of Night Ravens and bombed the shit out of Cobra La's ice dome. Then I would have ruled THEM.

86. Slaughter is almost as retarded as Falcon. On a dare he agrees to not bring any weapons while infiltrating Cobra's headquarters on Cobra fucking Island. Wait, he's probably MORE retarded than Falcon since it was Falcon who put that thought into his head, but Slaughter actually listened to him. It's like that old Buddha quote: "Who is more of a mongo... The shit-for-brains moron, or those who follow him?"

87. That was nice of Lifeline. He must have hurried back from Flint's rescue operation in order to help seal up the BET in its new, secret location.

88. Apparently Pythona snuck into the Terrordrome the hard way in the beginning. The backside of the fortress that Slaughter's crew uses is unguarded, has no fences, and is unmonitored.

89. Slaughter and company drive their boats to within 20 feet from the Terrordrome, and they're louder than a $5 hooker on a squeaky bed... And yet nobody comes to investigate. In Pythona's attack on the Terrordrome she doesn't silence a grunt before he can get a whimper off and Cobra security hears his cry loud and clear. Were all the listening devices pointed the other way?

90. Sgt. Slaughter waits until they're at the fucking back door entrance to the Terrordrome to ask Mercer, the ex-Cobra Viper, if there's a way to get inside. He probably didn't go over any layouts or escape plans either.

91. Mercer must have been gone from Cobra for a few months, if not years, to already be a part of Slaughter's crew, yet the passcode into the Terrordrome hasn't changed at all. To add to this one, Cobra had to have known that one of their own turned traitor and essentially joined the Joes... or if not, they absolutely suck at intelligence gathering. "What? Mercer still didn't show up for KP duty today? Shit, we better cover for him so the sarge doesn't get chewed out for losing another one."

92. Ouch! They're just punching metal faceplates left and right!

93. How does a Televiper spelling "Intruder" on the outside of his goggles do anything to help anybody. Falcon must have been like, "Yup, he spelled what I am correctly! I is an intruder."

94. Bwa ha ha! Falcon just sits down at the Cobra radio and without even touching a dial or flipping a switch or changing the frequency he starts shouting "Come in, GI Joe! This is Lt. Falcon!" Does he think that Cobra has GI Joe on the wire 24/7?

95. I do love how Serpentor just bitchslaps the shit out of Falcon until he talks. That's more like it.

96. Nemesis Enforcer is over 7 feet tall, he has big, bat wings and swords on his arms, and yet he STILL fights dirty and cheaply against Sgt Slaughter, what with throwing that slug in his face before punching him.

97. What?! Slaughter only set off ONE bomb in the armory and it causes a chain reaction that eventually levels a SQUARE MILE FACILITY in less than 10 seconds? That's some shitty architecture there.

98. Where did all those Cobra STUNs, trouble bubbles, Firebats and Night Ravens come from in the attack upon the hiding place of the BET? They must have all been blown up in the opening, in the Himalayas, or when Slaughter took out the Terrordrome... There are possibly THOUSANDS of them now on a cartoon loop (similar to Fred Flintstone running past the same window and chair while chasing Barney)!

99. Jinx (the "ninja girl" mind you) "hotwires" a US Military helicopter in order to get her friends into battle. This just doesn't sound right. She does it in 2.4 seconds too.

100. After the Rawhides' *groan* helicopter stalls, Jinx offers a "knuckle massage" to the 1st person to bring up her bad luck. That anything like a 5 knuckle shuffle? Sign me up!

101. What the?... In the Battle for the BET the Joes' Conquest jets start shooting not lasers (as they are previously known to have done), but pink lightning... Kind of like the Emperor in Jedi. The Joe planes are Lords of the Sith.

102. Chuckles is loco-suicidal! He spends the entire battle on the roof of the Tomahawk helicopter, inches from the blades! He somehow survives not only this, but a crash into and THROUGH a five story building without even a scratch. Jesus, they should fucking clone him like Cobra made Serpentor.

103. Serpentor has officially become the biggest pussy in this movie (yes, even replacing pacifist Lifeline), what with his insistence on bellowing "Cobra La la la la la la la la la la la la la!" as his new battle cry. Not even the REAL Cobra La soldiers say this.

104. Organic airplanes?.... Whatever. Exploding cockroaches? Fine. But mile and a half-long armored worms? No. No fucking way. Sorry.

105. HAVOCs may be able to roll over Cobra STUNs like empty beer cans, but drop them 15 feet and they explode more impressively than those Cobra La cockroach mines. Though the HAVOCs leave zero debris.

106. Duke simply states that the underbelly of the giant worms is their weak point. With no proof of this at all. Why couldn't he use his clairvoyance to see Cobra attacking the BET again?

107. Sgt. Slaughter, Falcon, and the rest of the Renegades simply appear in the middle of the Battle for the BET in slow moving tanks and shit. Why didn't they radio ahead to tell the rest of the Joes what they discovered at Cobra HQ (namely that Cobra was planning to attack the place the BET was kept)? Yeah, they blew the Terrordrome up, but they obviously thought Cobra was still going to attack in some manner since THEY DROVE ALL THE FUCKING WAY out to the civilian plant that the BET was stored. They obviously had HOURS to get this info to the rest of the Joes.

108. Serpentor just THREW A FUCKING SNAKE INTO DUKE'S HEART, which was meant for Falcon. But then instead of taking down Falcon as well while he's grieving (it was just the two of them, and Serpy's the obviously better fighter), the Cobra Emperor just runs away. Pussy!

109. How does Duke stay alive long enough to have that heart to heart (pun intended) with Falcon? A GIANT, POISONOUS SNAKE was just shoved THROUGH his heart. He truly was an army of one!

110. Why would Scarlett even GUESS that within seconds of Duke closing his eyes and "passing out" after taking a SNAKE TO THE HEART that he fell into a coma? Snakes to the heart tend to cause that, huh?

ADDENDUM: I'm sure you're all well aware by now of the infamous "He's gone into a coma" line by Scarlett, and the final radio broadcast in the end by Doc to the rest of the Joes to let 'em know that "Duke's pulled out of his coma!!!!111~!", and how they came to be ... You must have heard (or figured out, if you're not a complete mongo) that in the original script, all the way through to the actual animation of the movie itself, that DUKE DIES in that snake-to-the-heart scene. It was only changed after Transformers the Movie caused a big uproar with parents of tiny tots who were completely traumatized by Prime's death. The toy makers then got cold feet and made the writers change some things in order to only make Duke slip into a coma. Ugh, I guess the writers did the best that they could, but I remember first watching this years ago with my childhood friends Jason and Elliott, and when Scarlett said her line we all looked at each other like "What the fuck is that crack-whore smoking?! That guy just got a FUCKING SNAKE TO THE GODDAMN HEART!" I just had to talk about that... Anyway, back to the list!

111. Golobulus pulls out that stick with the "time worm" on it, and claims that when the worm makes it to the top of the stick the spores in space (being heated by the BET) will be ripened. But that worm is moving ultra quick. He moved like two full inches in 5 seconds. At that pace it'll finish its journey in around 30 seconds... Why even bother with the damn worm? Just count Mississippis or something.

112. Are the Joes still using the MASS Device? They get to the Himalayas in half the time that that damn worm climbs up his 12 inch stick! Though they only bring a total of 30 TROOPS and ONE SNOWCAT tank to take down Cobra La's main base of operations. I hope someone got fired over this. Goddamn military budget cuts.

113. Once again, this is obviously a GLOBAL ISSUE... Where the fuck is the Oktober Guard at least? Or China's army? China already conquered Tibet, didn't they leave any soldiers around out there that could have helped?

114. During the Joes' first attempt to infiltrate Cobra La, they all get captured, and the Rawhides see it all happen live while at Joe HQ. But then the Rawhides themselves make the trip to the Cobra La ice dome and STILL beat the time worm!

115. When the Joes who've been mummified by that giant weed at Cobra La's front door get freed and hit the ground, the vines that were wrapped around them completely decompose in a matter of seconds. I just... No. Let's just move on.

116. AWESOME slug by Scarlett to the Baroness' face! Right on camera! And those Cobra La shock troopers are going down faster than Paris Hilton at a Midgets With Giant Cocks Convention now. Did they loose all their coolness and super abilities in the beginning? Hell, I think Bazooka even took one out!

117. I guess they've already seen it all... None of the Joes who've been mummified even raise an eyebrow to Cobra Commander's 8' long snake form as it slithers behind them towards the Cobra La palace.

118. Ow! My fucking head! The final fight between Golobulus, Pythona, Nemesis Enforcer and Sgt. Slaughter, Jinx, and Lt. Falcon takes place inside a fucking disco with a strobe light blaring. I almost had a fucking Pokemon seizure watching it.

119. Serpentor pretty much just becomes Golobulus' bitch boy completely here. He does everything but say "Yes, massah! Whatever you want, massah!"

120. Wait, the GI Joe Tribunal was surprised to hear that Duke and Falcon were half-brothers, but Serpentor taunts Falcon with what he did to his "brother" as if it's common knowledge. Cobra must have had Storm Shadow on the case, he's the only one cool enough to spy on the Joes and actually gain some sort of useful information like this. Hey, where the fuck was Storm Shadow this entire movie? Firefly for that matter as well?

121. How does Serpentor's "hover chariot" stop in mid-air like that, throwing Falcon forward with enough force to slam him into the wall?

122. Wow! Cobra Commander is more manly as a snake than a man! Voluntarily attacking Serpentor's pet snake like that!

123. What the hell was that? Golobulus shoots lightening from his hands and it opens a giant chasm in his thrown room, and it causes spikes to grow from the chasm walls... How the fuck did Cobra La fall to humans in the first place if they have this kind of mad power? Unless Golobulus just stole that lightening from the Joe planes. That would explain a lot.

124. Ever notice how Serpentor's flowing cape was mere inches away from a powerful turbine on his hover chariot? Apparently his engineers never did.

125. Now Golobulus reveals his TRUE form... and it turns out he's half snake... How come the rest of Cobra La looks like a bunch of pale blue pussies? Except for Nemesis Enforcer, of course, with his bat wings.

126. Falcon just jammed that time worm stick into Golobulus' eye (worm STILL wasn't done climbing). That stick was close to a foot long, and it doesn't kill him?!

127. Apparently "Operating the Billion Dollar BET" was a course in Beach Head's basic training. Even a raw recruit like Falcon knows exactly how to turn it off, and then power it up past its failsafe shut-off.

128. Holy crap! GI Joe is now responsible for the mass genocide of Cobra La! Think about it, there must have been hundreds of thousands of civvies there, and they just pretty much NUKED the whole place into dust.

129. That's the third time that Tunnel Rat full-body-hugged Big Lob. Don't ask don't tell? (Yeah, I know I used that one in an image above, but it really stuck out in my mind when Tunnel Rat went for that last hug)

130. Just wondering, but are there any repercussions to invading another country's sovereign soil and blowing up a mountain?

131. Oh, and there's Doc's phoned in "Duke's pulled out of his coma!" happy happy ending.

132. Just reading the credits now... Peter Cullen was both Zandar and Nemesis Enforcer?! Chris Latta did Gung Ho? I don't think I ever knew that. Ha! Zarana and Heather are listed as separate people... Scarlett's voice actress goes by "BJ Ward"? Kinky. And Frank Welker as Wild Bill! Yooooo Joe!

And now for the most awkward or lame line to come out of the GI Joe Movie:

The winner is General Hawk, who in the middle of a deadly and serious battle states, "I can see the whites of their beady little eyes!" to nobody at all (he's not even wearing a headset... he must just like the sound of his own voice).

The coolest or most smooth line to come out of the GI Joe Movie is actually a 4-way tie:

First up is Flint with his "And we'll need all the Joes we can get to WHACK BACK!"

Secondly is Lt. Falcon who slaps Jinx's ass and then asks, "Want me to kiss it and make it better?" Smooooooooth!

Thirdly is Cobra Commander's "I wasss once a maaaaan! A maaaaaan!" I always thought that was creepy yet cool.

And finally is Lt. Falcon again, as he's getting bitchslapped by Serpentor who tells him to spill his secrets as he can't hold out forever. Falcon just manages, "All I gotta do... is hold out for five... more... minutes..." until the bomb that he knows about goes off. Pretty manly of the fup actually.

This movie was only 1 hour and 29 minutes long, and although it was shorter than both mini-series that I already covered, it was by far the longest Joe page I ever made. Damn. That was a lot of typing.

 
 
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