G.I. Joe versus the Movie and Logic


21. Pythona's fingernails cut through 12" reinforced steel like it was irradiated butter... And they're poisonous... I just hope she's really careful picking her nose. I'd have probably killed myself a long time ago if that was me.

22. Pythona keeps pulling larger, more bizarre and more vicious creatures from her ass, and she violently kills dozens of Cobra's finest... on a mission of PEACE. Does Cobra La not understand why it's almost extinct?

23. I am actually and honestly QUITE impressed with the level of security in the Terrordrome... but why didn't they activate ANY of it (the blast doors, the 6-inch needle-darts, etc.) until AFTER Pythona made it past them or right up to them?

24. Serpentor had just stated, minutes before, to his senior staff "I will meet this intruder HEAD ON!", but when confronted with the lone, lithe figure he retreats into a hole in the floor, just like Cobra Commander would have done.

25. Cool! If Serpentor pulls one of the writhing snakes from his shoulder ANOTHER snake appears, fully formed, already wriggling around and snapping its jaws like a baby bird!

26. Ayeka Jurai is Pythona?! No way!

27. Okay, I get it, Pythona uses "living weapons" and technology. That's her thing, check. But how the fuck does a clam produce a glowing, precise, 3D hologram model of the Broadcast Energy Transmitter like that?

28. Why does AMERICA's special missions force go to the HIMALYAYAS to test out a billion dollar energy supplying doohickey? Why are a bunch of marines and SEALs testing this high tech thing out anyway? Shouldn't some MIT professor be in charge instead of Duke, a sergeant?

29. For that matter, how does something the size of 4 dump trucks spontaneously produce enough energy out of thin air for "unlimited power, anytime, anywhere"?

30. Would the US Government actually sink that much money into something like the BET in the first place? That thing would put hundreds of thousands out of work in the US alone, and just to pump enough raw energy through the air like that... That's gotta be like keeping the doors open to a million microwaves all at once as they're set to "time cook 10". Fry your balls off if you're within a mile of it.

31. Instead of investing all that time and money into the BET, why not divert a few million of those funds for some radar units that actually work? The Joes working on the BET didn't see Cobra's gigantic attack force until they were about 40 feet away, charging across the frozen white landscape in at least 100 (very loud) black Cobra STUN vehicles. That's just sloppy.

32. So, over 100 Cobra vehicles and thousands of troops, versus the Joes' dozen or so HAVOC tanks (as seen in the opening scene pan), AND Cobra wipes out at least ten HAVOCs in their initial barrage, yet GI Joe STILL overpowers them in the end. How the... WHAT THE FUCK-A-DOODLE!? Either the Joes are just superhuman, superbadass uber-ninjas (every last one of them), or Cobra is the most incompetent band of terrorists that the world has ever seen. I'm voting for the second choice here.

33. They're in the middle of nowhere, amid the world's largest mountain range, Cobra attacks and starts blowing everything the fuck up except for the Broadcast Energy Transmitter, and Duke actually has to verbalize "They're after the BET!" Uh, you think? Was he actually the first to figure this out? Isn't there an IQ test to get into the Joe outfit?

34. At one point in the Battle for the BET Cobra Commander spits back in Serpentor's face, "This operation is costing us dearly!" At this time in the fracas not even ONE Cobra vehicle or trooper is lost, and GI Joe has taken massive amounts of damage... Yet CC thinks that nothing was wrong with his Liberty Operation in the beginning of the movie when he lost hundreds of men and a fucking aircraft carrier. A FLYING aircraft carrier.

35. Jesus! Two Cobra STUNs (three-wheeled jeep-like vehicles with lots of guns) park and then don't even fire upon Roadblock and Snake-Eyes as their ONE advancing HAVOC fires the slowest missiles ever at the Cobra vehicles. The Cobra soldiers have time to point, panic and then run for cover before the missiles even get close to their abandoned STUNs. Is becoming a Cobra trooper only a 2-week training course at a shitty vocational school?

36. I know the Dreadnoks are stupid, but somebody high up the Cobra chain of command had to have okayed their request to bring motorcycles to a battle in 3 feet of snow on a mountain side in the Himalayas.

37. Serpentor's riding the only airborne vehicle in the middle of the heated Himalayan campaign -- a shiny, gold, snake-themed chariot that flies high above the battlefield -- and NOBODY took a shot at him or even seemed to notice?

38. The voice-over from the Crimson Guard Commander Twins to explain that "the BET is activating the Joe's weapons!" was obviously only added well after the script and animation was complete (for the retarded members of the audience)... Since all of Cobra is still surprised and caught off guard when the activated weapons are actually attacking them minutes later -- including the Twins!

39. Duke is in the BET command chair, 8 feet off the ground, with a 360 degree view of the entire battlefield, and he doesn't see a 7-foot tall man in a gold and green snake costume approach him from a mile away until he physically grabs his shoulder? Mr. Mc-Fucking-Goo would have seen Serpentor approaching.

40. Cobra Commander is the only one in Cobra's high command unwilling to help Serpentor, his usurper, after Duke takes him down, for obvious reasons... And the rest of them have just recently spoken out about how they loathe CC's cowardice and wimpyness, so why do they actually listen to him when he orders everybody to leave Serpentor and retreat. At that time there were like 50 Cobra troops surrounding Duke and the unconscious Serpentor. If ever a mutiny was deserved...

41. Okay, so the Joes (miraculously) saved the BET from falling into Cobra's clutches, but most of Cobra still escaped to fight another day, and they proved what lengths they'd go to to attain the damn thing... I can't believe that nobody in the Joes actually thought "Hell, just blow the damn thing up to keep it out of their hands. Every time we fire this bad boy up they'll be at our door. And when that keeps happening GI Joe will become this gay thing's permanent babysitter. Fuck and no!"

42. Here's the biggest plot hole in the entire movie (so far): Cobra La is itself based only a few miles away from where the Joes were testing the BET... Cobra La is the group that actually WANTS the BET and ordered Serpentor to get it... Cobra La is filled to the brim with nothing but super strong, invincible snake-men who are able to take out a group of America's best super-soldiers (a group including Snake Eyes, who counts as 15 regular soldiers) in less than a minute... Why the hell didn't THEY just attack the Joes?

43. Jesus Christ, I'm already up to #43 and I'm only like 15 minutes in... Anyway, the Joes' HAVOCs are tough as dried dog shit, baked on the crusty Arizona desert floor. Quick Kick drives his HAVOC right through 3 Cobra STUNs like they were children and he was a mean drunk behind the wheel of an F350 at a school crossing zone.

44. Just how long was Nemesis Enforcer (the giant bat man with wings) buried under the snow, simply waiting to just pop up in that exact place to grab and take down Roadblock's hovercar?

45. It seems that Cobra Commander made a suicide run after Pythona informed him that he'd have to answer to Golobulus for his failures. I had to rewind it a few times, but it's obvious that CC jumped in a STUN and sped away with Nemesis Enforcer on his heels. Then NE grabs him and lifts him out of the vehicle, which almost immediately EXPLODES. It turns out that it exploded because it rode right into a ROCK WALL. CC was AIMING for that rock wall. Damn.

46. Once again Pythona seemed to be hiding a very large object up some unknown body cavity. This time is was a basketball-sized ruby. If she ever goes to prison she'll be a major hit with the jail smugglers.

47. Hawk, Duke and Flint are concerned that because Roadblock's unit (all of 7 men and women) is missing after chasing Cobra's retreat in the Himalayas, that the Joes are now dangerously understaffed... We just did a fly-over of Joe HQ before this conversation and there were dozens of 20+ storied buildings and hundreds of troops marching around... What?! And how is Beach Head's speeding up of 6 stupid and gay recruits through basic training going to help any?

48. I just thought of something, where are all the Battle Android Troopers that Cobra seemed to have assloads of in the 2nd TV season? Yeah, they were kind of mindless and slow, but they proved useful in the past. I think there was maybe one in the opening Lady Liberty attack, and it was holding its own for a while (till he was 'sploded). Did Cobra only order a certain amount, and when they were gone, whoop, that was it?

49. The "Rawhides" *groan*, who were introduced as part of the new Joe toy tie-in line, sucked balls. Did the original Joe and Cobra toy designers take a vacation just before they started this movie? We have an undercover agent who shows up to special forces basic training in a Hawaiian shirt; a tunneling expert who shows up with a Rambo-like string of 6" bullets across his chest; a retarded basketball player who can only speak in sports metaphors and wears a bright red tanktop (WTF?); a red-suited, self-titled "ninja" girl who already has "GI Joe" printed on her sweatpants; and a Mexican MP. My head is spinning.

50. Holy fucking crap in a hat! In Tunnel Rat's and Big Lob's training exercise (their ONLY training exercise mind you) drill seargent Beach Head sets off LIVE land mines, real lasers, and fucking napalm right in their faces! This is a TRAINING exercise! What I love though is that Beach Head is truly pissed that they lived through it. I remember thinking back in '87 that he must be Zartan in disguise because of this... Turns out he just knew something I didn't at this point: namely that the Rawhides sucked Serpentor's sweaty snake balls and deserved to die.

51. Fun fact: 5 foot long missiles are light enough for one man to carry over his head and then throw 50 yards. Why do we spend millions on rocket propulsion tests and shit? Just use more steroids in our troops' water.

52. As for Jinx, the red-clad female ninja with the crewcut... WTH kind of ninja can ONLY fight when blindfolded? Wouldn't a "blind ninja master" like the one who supposedly trained her have taught her that if you have all your senses you should USE them?

53. After he so awesomely kicked Jinx's ass, Beach Head appears to say, "Shit... Pathetic." Awesome. I listened to this like 9 times to make sure. I guess this was GI Joe's way of becoming PG, just like Spike's use of the "s" word in Transformers the Movie. I only think they should have used MORE profanity.

54. Why do all the recruits "wink" at Beach Head after proving themselves in their training sessions? Kinky.

55. Waitaminute... How did Lt. Falcon even GET a civvie on to the base in the first place, let alone into Serpentor's jail cell? And all while she's carrying a visible camera?

56. After Duke busts Lt. Falcon's chops he orders Jinx to escort the civilian woman off base. She doesn't -- just to the woman's red sports car right outside the military prison... Wait, what? How the fuck was she able to drive it up that close?! And why wasn't she "detained" for questioning after getting caught with her boy toy in a secure location? She saw the insides of a top secret military installation! She had a camera! That's some real good soldiering there, Lou.

57. Wait, what? Lt. Falcon actually states that he's "pulling rank" on Sgt. Duke, but then Duke puts Falcon on guard duty... Huh?

58. Okay, we know that the Joe's know Zarana (as she's infiltrated their HQ numerous times in the past), but all she did to "become" Heather, Lt. Falcon's date who he took into Serpentor's prison, was put on a wig... and she STILL fools them all. She even drove in and then out again through the FRONT GATE! Don't they have like a "most wanted terrorists" poster up or something in the guard house? "Do Not Let This Woman Onto Base -- Check For Wigs" would have been sufficient.

59. Just a deep thought: Why don't ALL Cobra La warriors have wings like Nemesis Enforcer?

60. Why do the Joes allow Serpentor to stay in his prison cell in full costume (cape and live snakes on his shoulders included)? Though I guess I personally would refuse to strip search him if asked to do so.

61. Why does the jail holding the Cobra Emperor (the world's most dangerous and wanted terrorist) have an outer perimeter that is guarded by only one new recruit (not even a Joe out of training) and without any backup?

62. How does Zartan and his posse (not even in disguise mind you) even get TO the stockade holding Serpentor? It's in the middle of the Joe compound!

63. While breaking into Serpy's inner jail cell, Zartan and co. set off the penta-plastic shield, locking themselves inside... THIS doesn't set off any of the alarms on base?! Then they set off enough charges to blow a giant hole in a 2-foot reinforced concrete wall, and yet nobody thinks to investigate this? That would have been heard for miles!

64. Both Zartan's crew and the three Joes in Serpy's inner jail cell are all out in the open for a good minute, firing at each other from a distance of like 20 yards. Nobody's shot. But the alarm wire (a 1/2-inch thick cable) takes a direct, pin-point hit. Wow.

65. And I thought Joe security was slack before. Zartan and all the Dreadnoks actually drove the THUNDER MACHINE (one of the most recognizable cars in the world) right up to the stockade's front doors, and PARKED it there while they went inside to break Serpentor free. Nobody noticed. Oh, and as they all drive away we can see that they also left 6 Cobra ATVs out there as well.

66. It's made clear in the series time and again that Joe HQ is in the Nevada desert (or someplace around there). Everywhere around it is nothing but flat, barren land for miles and miles and miles. Yet when Zartan and his crew drive away with Serpentor after the jail break all the Joes give up chasing them as soon as they pass the one single perimeter fence. No pursuit. No planes scrambled or anything. It was like the Joes said, "Wow! They put a lot of effort into that escape! They DESERVED to get the fuck away."

67. I won't even comment on all the truly gay living vehicles and weapons of Cobra La anymore. My head hurts from the giant, flying, jellyfish transport thingy that screams like an eagle when you pull some nerve endings in it's brain.

68. Those 20-story tall, green, organic rockets that Cobra La is planning to launch the spores into space with are out in the open and cover about 2-3 square miles of Himalayan landscape... Are you telling me that neither the US nor the Soviets' satellites ever noticed them? We just saw some mountaineers in the previous shot who were right around the corner from them, so this is obviously a fairly well-traveled path through the mountains. How the shit did this go unnoticed for thousands of years? (And we know those organic rockets have been there for that long thanksto Golobulus' flashback.)

69. Why are Cobra La's GI Joe captives still alive? They're not needed for anything at all anymore. Sloppy.

70. Oh god... Apparently all any of the Cobra La civvies can say is "La la la la la la la...." in high pitched voices. Is this really a civilization worthy of dominating the world?

71. Okay, this fubar is entirely on the shoulders of the writers who seem to have COMPLETELY forgotten Serpentor's personality. First of all, like he'd ever just take Pythona at her word and commit a huge garrison of troops to the capture of the BET back in the beginning of this mess... But now he just fucking BOWS to Golobulus and completely becomes his obedient lacky just like that. He was fucking BUILT to be strong and PROUD! He was always spouting out "This I command!" and shit! There is absolutely no fucking way this flies.

72. During Falcon's trial for gross incompetence, they state that Falcon's record is FILLED with accounts of his insubordination and dereliction of duty... If this is true then how the fuck did he get into America's most elite special forces unit? Being somebody's brother (in this case, Duke's) doesn't mean jack squat in the military, but "having a record of insubordination and dereliction of duty" should have gotten him kicked out of the regular army long before being assigned to GI Joe.

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