Retarded 80s Television
(AKA the death of the child star's self respect)

I stated it before, but I'll reexamine the issue here. Yes, 80's TV was hazardous for my mental health, but I was only an innocent bystander. Can you just imagine what actually BEING in one of those naughty shows It's no Small Wonder why this crap-com was cancelledmust have done to the fragile minds of those poor child stars?... Well, with a new one getting arrested for public intoxication or monkey drug use every day, and at least two getting blown away by the L.A.P.D. each month I guess the problem is a pretty visible one.

Just check out this television ad to the left. They pimp Vicki the robot girl like a $5 whore! No wonder her actress, Tiffany Marie Brissette, killed the original Parker Lewis and Kubiak when her guest shot on Parker Lewis Can't Lose turned ugly and the cast demanded that she "Do the robot!" during a lunch break. Now she's doing 25 years in some maximum security women's prison where she takes orders (and a strap on) every day from her prison bitch momma. She probably responds to every bump and grind with a "Yes, Jamie! Vicki wants it like a bad little robot!!" So sad.

But Vicki's not the only one who got fucked up due to "Bad Actor Memory Ailment" (or BAMA). There's Jennifer Keaton (Alex P.'s sister) who started running with a bad crowd after Family Ties was put to sleep. She played Tonya Harding for a bad TV movie in '93, then she was caught trying to get sheep to fuck her on some Northern California farm and has to do community service until 2015. She got off light too. She could have been like Samantha Micelli (AKA Alyssa Milano), who, after people realized what a total choad load Who's the Boss really was and it was canned, ended up doing some tasteless soft-core porn. What's really bad about that is that there was barely any T&A and no penetration! What a teasing whore! After that she really tumbled down hill as she went on to star in that Buffy ripoff, Charmed on the WB wannabe-network. How low can a person sink?

Pigfucker indeed!

It is amazing how much skin the producers of these crappy shows made their under age starlets show. I mean, what demographic were they going after? They already had the teenage boy market and the... well, I guess the teenage boy market. By putting their actresses in bikinis and leotards every episode the only other people they were attracting were the 45+ year-old pedophiles. Sure, they are a key demographic, but a helluva creepy and icky one.

Of course there's also Jessie Spanno from Saved by the Bell. That was a great career choice she made there. Granted, she did turn down a reprisal of her star-making role for Saved by the Bell: The College Years and gained some of my respect in the process, but then she did Showgirls. Holy fucking shit! Showgirls!! The only movie specifically ABOUT naked girls that was too painful to watch. People always ask me, "Rossman, just how bad does a movie with naked women in it have to be for you to not want to watch it?" "Showgirls," is all I reply. They know. They understand.

So now you know the aftereffects of bad 80s TV. They brainwashed the children and destroyed the actors who actually gave them life. But now the question remains, "Why were they even allowed to be born in the first place?!?!?" Think about this: Somebody actually sat across from a television executive and said, "You know, I think that a show about an alien puppet from a planet called Melmack who eats cats and makes a nice family turn into the Mansons by royally pissing them off each episode would be a bonzah idea, mate." And then the executive actually responded with a straight face, "Yes. Do it. Then grab that strap on over on the table in the corner, and fuck me up the ass just like that Vicki the robot girl is getting it in prison. I'll then call you 'Daddy' and that's your cue to kick me in the nuts with some soccer cleats. Do we have a deal?"

There is a way to help yourself forget some of the pain and horrors that 80s television may have caused you. It's a fairly easy process too. All you have to do is mentally place hot nude women in the shows that give you the worst nausea when you remember them. For example: When you're sitting around and reliving childhood memories with your friends and some dipshit butt-pirate brings up that one episode of the Love Boat where Gopher spent the whole hour trying to get into Terri Hatcher's pants (yes, she was on in the last season, you uneducated ass cock) despite the fact that he was gay and he was being chased by Captain Stubing himself for a late night tour of his shower stall, stop your brain from thinking about it any further and replace the entire crew with nothing but nekkid Playboy Playmates. Replace the Captain with a nude Angel Boris. Say "bye-bye" to Isaac as he's substituted with Karen McDougal. And throw the Captain's daughter overboard as Karin Taylor joins the cast. Ahhhhhhhh, isn't that much better?

Treasure the booze!!

What bugs my chops the most about those shows of yesteryear is that they were written so sloppily! Seriously, do you think that a total stick and prick like Captain Stubing would really run the Pacific Princess as flawlessly as he did? Do you really think that his staff would respect him as much as they pretended to if they were real? Fuck no! Isaac would be running the show and everybody would worship him like the god that he was... or he'd pimpslap the disrespectful puds to Bermuda!

I mean, Isaac controlled the ship's supply of alcohol! He would have mutinied and made himself King of Isaacland (a floating monarchy respected in the eyes of the land-based world around him). There's no way he'd allow himself to be pissed on by Charro and the Ropers as they guest-starred (and I use the term "star" loosely) and got plastered at his drink station each week.

Besides naked girls, every single bad 80s show needed good writers first and foremost.

ALF: Alien Lip Fucker

Alf is evil. Face it. All puppets who piss off Willie Tanner are evil. There's just nothing funny about that.

There you have it. Those are my main concerns with the quality of television (and therefore "life" in general to lots of lazy couch potatoes... including myself of course). Now, before you guys start to rant and rave like the pussies that you are because I think that all 80s TV stunk to high heaven like Chi-Chi's laundry after I poured a bottle of Coors on it and let it sit in his hamper for two months before he thought about washing it, let me make this perfectly clear: You are morons. I never said that. Yes, the 1980s produced some of the most atrocious atrocities that have ever been televised in the history of the world (the future included), but that decade also had some of the finest moments of programming and art that mankind will ever hope to create.

Let me make a list: There's Cheers, The A-Team, Police Squad, the early episodes of Night Court (before Dan went crazy when Phil's brother ripped off the Phil Foundation), Magnum P.I., The Naked Playmates Show (see, changing your memories works!), Fantasy Island, The Dukes of Hazzard and the greatest show ever made Sledge Hammer. All of these series were made in the 80s and they almost make me forgive Charles in Charge and Family Ties for the constant barrage of bad acting and poor jokes. They make me forget about the pathetic premises of Full House, ALF and Small Wonder. And they make me stop hating Balki and cousin Larry for ever existing... well, not the last one, but that's a Herculean task on par with loving Bill Clinton for the filthy degenerate that he is. Fuck Balki. Fuck him up his stupid ass.

The Facts of Dykes
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