Enter The C.H.U.D.Fest (2000) (No, that is NOT the Rossman in the picture above) (11/3/2000) NOTE from Editor: The following article is mainly written by the Rossman, but due to a landslide of e-mail and phone in requests from 1st hand witnesses of CHUDFest 2000 I've also included alternate takes of certain events contributed by those that had a fresh and "non-evil" perspective on the goings on at Greenwood that fateful Saturday night in October. Enjoy! "CHUDFest is not a party, it is a state of mind". I don't remember who actually said this, or if anybody really did, but it is deep. At least it was at 11:30PM after half a keg. And keep in mind that it may have just been the voices in my head again. You see, every year a group of my friends get together to throw a Halloween party. I must correct myself, the Halloween party. This was cool and rugged in and of itself, but then one year they came up with the idea of basing said party on an idea or a frame of mind that reeked of Halloween and of all things commercial and cheap. That brought them to Hollywood horror movies, but that was too broad a theme. So, they chose a perennial favorite out of all of the schlocky and ghastly titles at Blockbuster one year: C.H.U.D.. I wanted Rawhead Rex but that had a plot that almost made sense and special effects that were almost cool. CHUD didn't have that problem. And thus, CHUDFest was freakishly conceived. Here we can see the drunk Megaplayboy in his own environment. That means mostly sitting in his own crapulance. "CHUDFest for me means, um, like lots of beer and stuff. I think it's fun to see what your tolerance is every chance you get, and at CHUDFest I get to find out like every half hour and all... "The Rossman likes going to parties and stuff that have lots of alcohol, chicks in hot costumes, liquor, crappy movies, beer, video games and chicks making out with each other. I think that's why he likes CHUDFest so mu-... HEY! Ya damn bastadge! You spilled my fuckin' glowing green magic juice! Lick my nuts, you sunuvawhore!" -Drunk Megaplayboy

CHUDFest 2000 started off like any other CHUDFest. It was a mild Saturday afternoon with a slight breeze. The Greenwood House was all a bustle with final preparations and early arrivers. I took it as my duty to sample the beverages and food in the kitchen to make sure that only dishes of the highest quality and Killian's of the reddest red was to be served. I wasn't sure about the Buffalo's chicken wings until the 26th drumstick, but everything was eventually to my satisfaction. I then went to the garage-turned computer center to watch my techie friends move monitors and systems around while I savored some mini-subs and cheese cubes. They knew what they were doing so I thought it best to leave them be. Anyway, it was time to check out the CHUDFest Theater and Entertainment room. "I was like, 'Oh my God!' The Rossman showed up like at 2 o'clock in the afternoon when the whole party didn't even really begin until at least 6 at night! Then he heads right into the kitchen and starts eating all the food and drinking all the beer! What an asshole! "Then I saw him just walk around the house just watching everybody else get the whole place ready and all. He didn't even put his drink(s) down to make like he might even try to help anyone! Mehve and Mike were lifting all these heavy computers around the place and all and the Rossman just snarfed the party food and watched like it was just a play put on for his personal enjoyment. What a total ASS!" -anonymous Cinderella Cinderella on smoke break.

Matt and a few others were getting the TV, computer, speakers, DVD and VHS hook-ups all wired and working when I found them. Lots of "Jesus! Goddamn!" kind of profanity erupting at odd intervals amid the mountain of electronics they had soldered together. They were busy but they said that it was okay for me to watch some TV or play some Dreamcast. I put in Marvel VS Capcom II and proceded to kick the combined asses of Cable, Magneto, Stryder Ryu, Wolverine, the Resident Evil Chick, Chun-Li, Mega Man, 'Gief and the bitch Cammy. It was fun, but way too damn easy for this Rossman. I would even choose the pussiest characters and not use any 24+ Hit Combos, but I still blew everyone away. Then I started taking challengers from Crew Greenwood. I wiped the floor with them! No matter who stood up to the task I found it my duty as all round Capcom Fighter Champ to drill them each a new one. After 20 or so rounds of victory I allowed them to put in Capcom VS SNK Fighters (or whatever the hell it's called). I liked the dude in the red hat, but except for the skank Mai, I really didn't know any of the SNK guys and decided to let someone else have some digital fun. It was for the best as my thumbs were sore and there were more bottles to be tested. Sir Robin gets attacked by a ferocious beast. It was a Kodak moment. "So a bunch of us were putting all the wiring together for the Monoplex Greenwood Theater and to hook up the whole house with speakers, when the Rossman just saunters (yes, I said 'saunters') in and fuckin' collapses in the middle of the room. I was like, 'What the fuck?', but nobody else said anything and they just ignored him in his drunken state of apathy. "But ignoring a drunk and bored Rossman is pretty hard to do in reality. Soon he was fuckin' with the TV set up and trying to turn the Dreamcast on so he could, and I quote, 'Kick some serious chick ass in a goddamn X-Files game.' We assumed he meant 'X-Men', so I put in Marvel VS Capcom II to shut him the hell up. Well, basically he sucks. I'm sure he'd suck even worse if he was sober, but knowing him we'd never find out that night. "After he threw a couple of hissy fits and threatened the TV with his shoe we had to take turns pretending to play him and we made damn sure that he won to keep another patented Rossman Tantrum from destroying yet another Greenwood party before it began. Why, if I had a rubber hose...." -Sir Robin

I think at this time I took a little nap in Dane's room while waiting for more guests to arrive. It was short lived though as I was brutally woken up by the transfer of the Dreamcast to Dane's TV (I guess they thought that I might want to play some more). I watched a few guys fight it out in some Japanese games that I'd never seen before, but then I got restless (as I'm one to do) and started exploring the premises for people or things to do.... You know what I mean. Anyway, Psycho Weasel got me and and told me to put on my hilarious costume and greet the guests that would be arriving shortly. I did want to have everybody see who I dressed up as and have them try to guess what the horns, mustache and orange shirt with a big black "zig zag" on it meant (FYI, I was Charlie Brown's evil twin Skippy), but I also wanted to sample a few more pah-tay cuisines in the kitchen. PW was so thoughtful that he actually gave me a bag of wings and a six pack to sit at the door and welcome the party goers. I also had to remember to have them sign the guest book and donate to the pumpkin bank. It was hard to keep it all straight (wave, greet, and give them a pen while I took their wallet), but I somehow managed ;). "Holy shit! So like after a half an hour nobody had seen or heard from the Rossman and we were in a major panic. When the Rossman's faced and then disappears there's usually a mess or two to clean up afterwards (and sometimes he hides his messes and we only find them through stench a few days later). So it was my duty to track the guy down. I finally found him all passed out in Dane's room. "I tried to wake him up, but he was out cold (and it wasn't even 5 yet!). So then I just brought the DC up and hooked it all up so that maybe the sounds of a video game would snap him out of it. It worked, but then before I knew it he was missing again. After searching for another 30 minutes I found him in Matt's room going through his fucking drawers! He mumbled something about looking for porno before I dragged his dead ass down to the front door and ordered the fucker to meet and greet. He started bitching about needing to 'Walk it off' (whatever 'it' meant I didn't want to know). So I gave him a few Killian's and some wings and sat his ass down at the door..... In hindsight it was probably a bad idea as I think he pocketed some party donations, but I can't prove anything. "Oh yeah, his costume sucked money balls too. 'Charlie Brown's Evil Twin'? What the fuck was he smoking?!" -Psycho Weasel Electric Weasel Boy. The ULTIMATE bug zapper.

I sat at the front door for a while, but that got boring and I was starting to sober up. I thought it was time to remedy the situation with food and booze. I made my way back to the kitchen and was happy to see that my secret stash of subs, pizza and wings were still well hidden. I grabbed a few slices of pizza, a dozen or so wings (3 mile island flavored) and a half a sub and began to chow down underneath the table so that nobody would see that I had any pizza left (come to think of it, I don't remember anybody ordering a pie that night). I soon got thirsty and came up from the deep to get some freshly made Green Stuff (see picture to right). Somebody had just added some dry ice and it was bubbling beautifully! It was around my third glass when all of a sudden I felt the cold hand of evil (well, not evil, but maybe evil-lite) grab my shoulder... Jimmy Jammer had arrived. I tried to hide my face so that he wouldn't know it was me, but I forgot that I didn't have a mask, just horns and a mustache. There was still hope that his moron-nocity would continue and he might buy the fact that I wasn't the Rossman but the Rossman's evil twin dressing up as Charlie Brown, but that flew out the window when he started playing with the mustache and tried his best to tell me how much he worships everything about me. It was really annoying because he had just walked up Greenwood's driveway (which is normal driveway length, but fairly steep) and the fat fuck was totally out of breath. In between his wheezing and hacking up phlegm I made my break for it. I don't know who the fuck invited Jimmy Jammer, but I just wi-.... Oh wait. I think I actually might have done it as a hoax on a bender two weeks ago with Chi-Chi and Karen. Oh crap. Well, I guess I really was evil that night. We tried to take Jimmy Jammer's picture but the camera refused to. So here's a picture of somebody's ass instead. "You know, I'm getting pretty sick of this. The Rossman thinks he's so all that when he's not even a bag of chips. Huh-huh, get it?... Yeah. Anyway, I showed up at the party a bit late and because the driveway is a goddamn stairway to heaven... Ha ha ha ha!! Did ya get that one? That's funny. Gawd I'm funny! "So I walk up the climb from hell and I'm a bit peaked from the exertion. So I thought I'd try to catch my windedness with the help of the Rossman's shoulder. I just barely touched him from behind when he turns around and looks at me like I'm the Devil or something (even though he's the one with the mustache and devil horns)! Then before I could ask him to pass me a plate of wings (Hey, I was hungry! I hadn't eaten since an hour and a half before!) he just cranks his foot back and whacks me in my nads! What the fuck was up with that?! Then he ran from the room shouting out that he 'Just killed EVIL' or something. "What's really goddamn annoying is that became his catch-phrase for the night. He'd jump into a conversation people were having and just say 'Now THAT'S evil!' He didn't even tell me where he got the pizza he had. What a tool." -Jimmy Jammer Continue forward on your frightful discoveries of the true horror behind CHUDFest 2000!!! Page 2 awaits! Or go to the EXAMINER Homepage