Election 2000 (subtitled: Why the U.S. Is Filled With Retards) (12/8/2000) Monday, December 4th What the fuck has happened to our nation? We can't even pick a leader for ourselves without looking like a country full of tools. As I write this (on 12/4/2000), it is one whole month after the mental citizens of the United States cast their ballots for the office of President... and we still haven't found out who won. This is due to pettiness, backstabbing, political whoring and the fact that the two candidates we've chosen as finalists are complete idiots. George W. Bush (from now on referred to as "W") and Al Tallywhacker Gore (from now on referred to as "Asshole") do not know how to run a campaign yet alone a nation. One can't speak proper English and the other is a fucking walking tree who sucks the souls out of poor wretches who do not protect themselves from his dark, enchanted ways. I guess the safest thing to do would be to provoke China or Russia to declare nuclear war on us and wipe out this pitiful Union in one smooth swoop and hope that the survivors figure out how to do things better (Ummm, if either China or Russia are reading this... I didn't really mean what I just said. Just wipe out D.C. and maybe Southern Florida. The rest of us are doing okay by ourselves). "Big Wooden" Georgey-boy would make a much better president than either "W" or Gore. And he's been dead for a few hundred years. I say we dig up his corpse, prop him up in that big comfy chair in the Oval Office and just relax for the next four years. And if either "W" or Gore complains, then somebody can simply take Washington's skull and smack the fucker upside the head until he conceeds, blacks out or dies.

I guess that I shouldn't just blame the candidates and the general population in helping make our presidential election so moronically memorable. A BIG reason that we as a country look like we've been living most of our lives in an out house is in thanks to the media. Even reputable networks like CNN and Fox News were getting in on the idiot act. It all began months ago when they somehow convinced us that a guy known for his daddy (and for the nickname "W"), and a guy who looked like he was constipated every second of his life (and who never knew how to do anything other than lie to people... poorly) were our best choices to be our leaders. That was only the beginning though. Soon enough we made it through all of the painful debates and brain-bashingly aggressive and demeaning television commercials and it was election day. And thank Buddha that the media was there with "up to the minute" news and counting information. It just would have helped if they themselves understood what the hell was going on. Florida flip-flopped so many times during the course of the night that thousands of knee-high black sock-wearing seniors threw out their backs. It was a horrible sight. Then late at night when most every other state had already gone to sleep, Florida's electoral votes were given to W and he was heralded as the loser/winner of the election... But then twenty minutes later the news took it back, but then thought a little more and handed the votes to him once again..... Only to retract and present them over 35 more times and eventually declare it "too close to call". I don't know how several thousand votes is "too close to call", but during the following weeks Floridians made it a point to show the world just how stupid they could make themselves and the United States as a whole look (even beyond election night!). With a lot of help from Gore. This is where all the fun began. You see, once Florida realized that it held the fate of the free world in its hands it turned even dumber than it originally was (and Steve Spurrier himself did his best to lower the IQ of the state by at least 65 points over the past few years). Recounts were then ordered because of State Law (which says that whenever dipshits are allowed to punch their vote for anything other than what condiments they want on their Whopper they will somehow fuck it up, and therefore the state must recount everything in order to make sure that the numbers come out totally different to make the world realize that Americans can't count or do anything right the first 10 times), and all the liberal inbreds of the sunshine state came pouring out claiming that they needed to "Revote" because the ballots were confusing and they were "tricked into voting for Buchanan." Cuba began to laugh. It is the opinion of the Rossman Examiner that retards and illiterate mother fuckers should not be allowed to vote. We should give them coloring books instead when they come to the booths on election day. After they screw even that up and color outside of the lines we just say "That's a good little monkey! Want a banana? Eek eek!" and they'll go away happy thinking that they helped to shape our world for the better. If they get rowdy, we simply get out "The Big Stick of JUSTICE" and beat the crap out of them till they learn to stay away from election polls. It's called "tough love". I vote that we use the Big Stick of JUSTICE on everybody in Florida in 2004.

This is really stupid and bad in and of itself, but these idiots continued to picket and brag to the world that they were dropped on their heads as babies and/or used as punching bags by abusive spouses/fathers/dogs/leprechauns throughout their mentally unstable lives. Cuba kept on laughing and China soon joined in along with all of the Middle East. Gore must've been jealous that his messed up supporters in the South were getting all of the punch lines in the nightly talk shows, because after the recount came in and he still lost he thought it would be best to sue somebody. To be fair, whenever I lose a round in Marvel VS. Capcom II or lose my party to some red dragons in Final Fantasy I feel like suing my roommate for distracting me or the electric company for not causing a blackout right before it happened. I kinda understand how he feels (even though I don't remember who he ended up suing, though I believe it was a state and/or a country), but I know better. Hell, even the mentally handicapped kid who used to ride his bike with that big orange flag on it to the Blockbusters I used to work at would know better (I once challenged that kid to "rock, paper, scissors" to try and win his kitten away from him. I cheated and won, but the fact is he was smart enough to not try and sue me just because he didn't like the outcome and because I didn't really want the cat and threw it in the dumpster in the back 2 minutes later). Gore then demanded a manual recount. He still thought that he had won and deserved the office despite the fact that voters didn't pick him. What I found to be brain-stompingly insane was that he wanted the same mother fuckers who couldn't figure out how to use the "punch out ballots" to recount them! That's like giving an alcoholic clown the keys to your liquor cabinet when you go out of town and expecting him to not get totally faced the second you drive away. Well, after the manual recount Gore still lost and Florida was officially handed to "W". Yet Gore continued to ask for more counting because he thought the rest of America was as dumb as Florida and might actually believe that he was robbed of the election, despite the fact that he had less electoral votes and he lost 3 separate tallies in the deciding State. W Bush then started laughing with Cuba, China and Iran (the rest of the Middle Eastern countries were too pooped to continue guffawing or they remembered that they were at war and started killing people again). More lawsuits were filed by both W and Gore and the shit kept hitting the fan. From what I can see, this thing will never fucking end. (Click here for page 2 and the solutions to this mess) Man, what I wouldn't give to have another FDR in the White House. Sure he probably chased intern tail around the White House in his Professor X-like wheel chair, but he probably did it with much more class and style than Clinton. And he kicked Hitler's ass and he had Churchill over for dinner all the time! Sir Winston was great! He had put downs for everybody and every occasion! The solutions to the U.S. Presidency await you on PAGE 2! Or go to the EXAMINER Homepage