G.I. Joe vs Cobra and Serpentor and Physics!

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117. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.... So Mindbender's plan to get at the last tomb on his list (Genghis KHAAAAAN!) is to first use half of Cobra's forces (thousands of men, and hundreds of tanks and jets) to attack the Joe forces guarding it, let half of those get blown up or captured, and then, hours later, throw their GIGANTIC snake plane at them, let the Joes POUND it with missiles and lasers, and toss out some smoke bombs to make it look like it was damaged before having the thing come to a VTOL stop directly above the palace/tomb? How did he get them to stop that falling behemoth of a flying fortress like that? Did he use Bugs Bunny's "airbrakes?" And why not just use that magic jet first instead of letting half Cobra's forces get blown up a few hours ahead of time in what Dr. M. calls "a diversion"? And why not look up in a dictionary what "diversion" really means ahead of time?
Diversion: A maneuver that draws the attention of an opponent AWAY FROM the planned point of action, esp. as part of military strategy.... Trust me, there was no "military strategy" in Mindbender's plan.

118. He now had another brand new one! How many gay little mini-tanks does Slaughter have in reserve? Doesn't the contractor laugh his ass off at him whenever he orders a new one?

119. So Slaughter gets stupidly captured (by pretty much voluntarily riding Khan's sarcophagus into the hovering Cobra super jet), and Mindbender thinks he'll get him under control with 6 BATs in order to use his DNA in place of Sun Tzu's... Didn't the Dr. watch the opening episode? Slaughter single handily ripped apart 200 BATs without working up a sweat!

120. Why don't the Joes EVER attack Cobra when they're retreating?!? Whether Cobra wins or loses, they always turn tail and run, and GI Joe ALWAYS just sits back and laments how they got away, or stops and cheers that they won the day while the retreating forces are still within range of all the Joe's canon fire.

121. "What a mind-boggling brainstorm, Mindbender... Putting the genetic SOUL of an enemy into the body of our new leader will give us just what we always needed: A live-in TRAITOR!" Honestly, the smartest words ever spoken by Cobra Commander, AND the wisest quote of this entire mini-series.

122. Holy JEZUS! We're told that 40% of the Joes' vehicles were red-lined or destroyed in Central China, and yet there were NO FATALITIES? That's unpossible.

123. Wait, Hawk tells us that the "ashes of Julius Caesar" were stolen? How the shit can you get any genetic material from ASHES?

124. The next step for GI Joe (after losing Slaughter and getting their asses handed to them around the world) is to send in a small covert group of Joes to infiltrate the known HQ of the global terrorist organization known as Cobra.... Why not just nuke the island? Granted, the whole Cobra Island thing could just be a political red string entanglement like in the comics (where Cobra became a nation and legally claimed the island as a sovereign state), but that's not even hinted at here. The Joes think Cobra's going to clone super soldiers on this island in order to take over the world, and they just send in a handful of new toys, I mean new troops?

125. What the hell is a "Protoplasm armature"? Well, apparently it's a giant red goopy Jell-O mold that Mindbender's going to turn into the Cobra Emperor, but really, how does a lump of red jelly turn into muscles, bones, and skin with just a bit of electricity pumped through it?

126. Bwa ha ha ha ha! One of the Twins just laughed exactly like the Toxic Avenger when he said "No tickey, no washy, A-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

127. Oh boy, now the bullshit science speak starts in earnest... What's a "biotherm inductor" and how does it interlock? And "vacu-shroud," really?

128. The Crimson Twins are hard to impress... The protoplasmic goop is on the operating table getting shot full of radiation, it's glowing and pulsing, sending shocks of electricity through the air, and making loud explosive noises, and they both look at each other and regard Mindbender's joyous look with a snide "So far I see nothing..." "To get excited about."

129. I would mock the lumpy, red, drooling, and tentacled demon that Mindbender originally created instead of an emperor (due to Cobra Commander's meddling), but honestly that is probably the most realistic result of an experiment of this kind with 80s tech. It's probably the one thing the writers got correct in this plot mess.

130. I find it interesting that the very tech-heavy and futuristic-looking, polished steel Terror Drome is actually mostly made of stacked stone on the inside, making it look like a dungeon throughout.

131. Holy fuck! That genetic catastrophe of Mindbender's mess-up does more actual physical damage to the Cobra recruits than GI Joe has over the course of 2 mini series and 65 episodes so far! He's tossing them over 6 story cliffs, chucking them into stone walls like broken ragdolls, and jumping on them like trampolines! It's fantastically brutal for an afternoon cartoon!

132. Three Joe choppers left Joe HQ in order to infiltrate Cobra Island, only one made it... (Takes off hat, places over heart, salutes the fallen warriors.)

133. Oh, now the Cobra currency is called "Gold Serpentines." Wasn't it "Gold Fang Shillings" in Pyramid of Darkness? Or is the "million Gold Serpentines" that Mindbender offers Scrap-Iron just like "a million pennies" or something?

134. Even though the tentacled demon is a "mindless monster," according to its creator, Mindbender, in its fight with Slaughter it shows that it apparently knows some major jujitsu and can even fight with weapons. Quite impressive.

135. Slaughter has proven that an army is useless against him, and that he can escape from pretty much any confinement, so what do they do with him after they contain him again? They chain him to the wall in the lab with all their expensive, delicate equipment where they're giving their emperor a second go. I'm not sure if Cobra or the Joes are the Washington Generals to the other's Harlem Globetrotters.... They might both be the Generals.

136. And THEN, after outing Cobra Commander as the one who destroyed their first attempt to create a genetic super leader, Destro throws the hissing masked man right to the control panel that works Slaughter's electric chains... Brilliant! Put your two worst enemies together right at the critical moment of the experiment!

137. Please explain to me how making a clone somehow causes an earthquake, and ghostly "ooooh-ing" and "aaaaaah-ing" to happen.

138. I want to know how a man freshly made from a protoplasm goop can know how to not only stand up on his hind legs, but speak properly and fucking give orders within 30 seconds of his "birth"? This I command!

139. Oh, and he already knows that his name is "Serpentor" of course, and that the organization that he is to rule is called "Cobra.". This I command!

140. Uh oh, that's not good. The Twins, Destro, Scrap-Iron, and Mindbender then all whip out the good old "Nazi salute" for their new Emperor.

141. When Serpentor asks for clothes, he most certainly should NOT have asked the flamboyant Mindbender. It looks like Mindbender has been peeing himself in anticipation of playing dress-up as he already has that gay (I mean REALLY gay) golden snake outfit all ready for his new leader.

142. Serpentor states matter-of-factly that he has been created with the knowledge of everything he needs to know... Despite the fact that this pretty big plot point has never been brought up before, or how it could have even been accomplished. Though I guess if you were going to make a clone out of the DNA of all the ruthless warlords and generals of the past and create it out of red pudding, then telepathically adding in an entire language and the order of command of Cobra would be child's play.

143. Sgt. Slaughter just egged Serpentor into letting him go so that they could fight mano-y-mano (I think Slaughter was betting that the new emperor was someone who could finally end his painful existence once and for all), and Destro says this is because Serpy lacks any of the patience of Sun Tzu's DNA... Sooooooo all the other great leaders and rulers of history (every last one of them) lacked patience except for Sun Tzu?

144. Awesome! The first real (intentional) belly laugh of the whole thing! Slaughter and the chasing Serpentor (on his air chariot) knock Zartan and his brother and sister down in the hallway of the Terror Drome, then Mindbender and Destro shove them back down as they and some CGs come running up behind... Then Cobra Commander comes strolling along with his hands behind his back humming a little ditty as he casually looks down at the siblings. Chris Latta's voice really does it for me.

145. The flying chariot with Serpy and Slaughter on it just ran straight into a computer console and caused an explosion bigger than Hiroshima! Then the two combatants got up from the rubble, not a scratch or even a piece of ripped clothing upon them, and started duking it out again. The Sarge still has his hat and glasses on. How very Indiana Jones of him.

146. So the Cobra Commander-altered BATs break through into the command center where all the Cobra high command, Joe spies, Sgt. Slaughter and Serpentor are fighting.... Then the Joes run for the hole the robots just made in order to escape... The very next fade-away leads us back to Joe HQ where the (previously helicopter-less, after they were shot down on their approach to Cobra Island) Joe spies somehow managed to escape the rest of the Cobra forces, find a ride, and make it all back to US soil in one piece. Yeah, that's not important to the plot. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

147. Waitaminute... So, Hawk now thinks that one super soldier in a leader role is worse than an entire army of Cobra super soldiers? What kind of failed logic is that?

148. Ha! In showing his troops what a potential super leader would look like, Hawk shows them a holographic representation of Serpentor's gay outfit in its completion. He and Mindbender really think alike.

149. HOLY SHIT! After Serpentor orders the invasion of the United States THOUSANDS of Cobra jets, tanks, STUNs, and helicopters simply pour out of the Terror Drome for the attack! Seriously, even with CC in command before, with this army how the hell did he fail so much? All it would have taken is just "The Russian Offensive" to conquer his enemies (meaning just throw enough soldiers at the enemy until they overpower them).

150. Hmmmm, how the hell does the Cobra afford all of its soldiers? They're all soldiers of fortune, they must cost an ass-ton, and Cobra never pulls of a job. Extensive Enterprises? Even if that cover business funds the whole org, how does it afford its OWN employees? They apparently have enough to fill two twin towers in Enterprise City. How does the IRS not come down on them like a bear trap?

151. Aaaaaaaaaand just like that, in under a day (hell, within a couple of hours of his existence), Serpentor has his entire army infiltrate and take complete control of Washington DC. Pretty ballsy of the guy, and pretty shitty of our defense network. Honestly? Our radar men could not see a squadron of THOUSANDS of jets aiming towards the capital? Not to mention however many ships it would take to transport that many troops and tanks.

152. Wow! Ten years before Independence Day and kids got to see Cobra blow up the White House front gate and drive their STUNs right up to (and then THROUGH) Reagan's front door! That was scary, let me tell you!

153. Bwa ha ha ha! Yesssss, fantastic planning, Serpentor... You invade the US of A's capital on a day when both the President and the VP are out of town. Some guys just can't win.

154. Creepy foreshadowing... Destro can't breach the Pentagon so he calls in an air strike. A Night Raven pilot flies over DC and declares "I have the Pentagon DEAD in my sights..."

155. Serpentor: "Senators and Congressmen of the United States... Surrender the country to me!"
Fat, Drunken Senator: "Never! You fascist pig! *Spit*!"
Serpentor: "Do it, or I'll make you regret it......"
Fat, Drunken Senator: "Very well... I guess we have no choice." Yeah, way to stick to your guns there, Kennedy, you useless schlub.

156. CC chides Serpy that they can't possibly hold DC, let alone conquer the United States!.... Ummmm, then what were you attempting to do for all those years as Cobra's leader if you thought it was impossible?

157. Good Christ.... General Hawk impersonates the president in order to get close to Serpentor with a gun that the Cobra troops would have found had they just OPENED his briefcase in a quick search, but instead of quickly assassinating the Great Snakey one, Hawk takes a shot at the throne Cobra placed upon Lincoln's lap in the Lincoln Memorial... Yeah, I thought it was tasteless too, but really, first things first there, chief.

158. Ah, the "one-shot" vehicles are back in action. It even looked like Wetsuit just shot one STUNs' tires and three blew up. Maybe that's why Cobra has so many, they got a really good deal on some defective equipment.

159. I love how when Zartan and his Dreadnoks just drive their bikes down Pennsylvania Ave they leave a dust cloud in their wake that's bigger than a dust storm on the Sahara.

160. I don't think Serpentor is the great tactician that he thought he was... In the middle of the fight against the Joes to hold DC all of his vehicles start to run out of gas. Jesus, even a 16 year-old with a learner's permit knows not to let a car, let alone an entire air force, run out of fuel.

161. Oh, AND they're out of ammunition. They've only been firing at GI Joe for maybe 6 minutes and they're completely out of ammo. Was that really the best they could do with an occupying force?

162. After Serpentor is saved by Cobra Commander just before being captured by the Joes he picks up CC with one hand... Then the next cut there are THREE hands on CC's neck, then a far away shot with him being hoisted by only one again. Then back to three in the close-up, then one. I guess Serpy's genetic mix isn't entirely stable yet.

163. "The price of liberty is always eternal vigilance!" Well fucking said, Sgt. Slaughter!

164. HONESTLY! After Cobra just fucking INVADED US soil GI Joe just let's them retreat back to their not-so-secret base. After an international incident such as this even the Soviets would have understood if we NUKED Cobra Island.

165. And what's up with Cobra? Wouldn't all of the higher ups just have shot Serpentor in the head on their way back to Cobra Island? I mean, he did just FUCK UP and cause their organization more damage (in men, vehicles, weapons, and name) in HALF A DAY than Cobra Commander did in the years before that he was in charge! I would have considered the great "Cloned Cobra Emperor Experiment" a total failure at that point.

 

And now that the main list is done it's time for:

THE DUMBEST QUOTES of the Mini-series

"We're in the dark now, but we have to keep punching till we see the light!"
- Hawk. What the fuck does that even mean? "Punching till we see the light?" Is it an all-night boxing match he's talking about?

"It's Sgt. Slaughter! Destroy that meddlesome mastodon!"
- Mindbender (And I had to rewind 4 times to figure out just what the fuck he was saying with his ridiculous accent)

"Oh NERTS!"
- Sgt. Slaughter after his mini-tank is SET ON FIRE with him still in it. Well, I guess that's what I always say.

"Beach Head... I want to talk to you..... *Gasp* About your deodorant...." - Mainframe
"What do you mean?.... I don't USE deodorant...." - Beach Head (After both were stuck in Vlad Tepes coffin for 18 fucking hours)

"That man has the constitution of a vending machine!"
- Cobra Commander about Sgt. Slaughter

"Tough luck, Mindbender. That runaway pile of putrid protoplasm is your problem!"
- Cobra Commander loving the alliteration

 

 

 

 

 

And then there's the BEST LINE EVER! And it's a TIE!

"Hey, Lowlight, has it ever occurred to you that there might be an easier way of settling disputes?" - that wussy Lifeline as he just watches his comrades beat the shit out of some Dreadnoks who deserved the pounding.
"YEAH, LIFELINE, IT'S CALLED 'A GUN'." - Lowlight's most excellent response. Honestly, no way this would ever make it to TV today.

and...

"Kneel before your masters, you PATHETIC LOSERS!"
- Serpentor to who he believes is the President of the US of A.

And we're done. Now, go out and fucking watch this thing yourself. Honestly, it's not half as shitty as the crap that's called "children's entertainment today.

 

 

 

 

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