Page III (final)...
75: We haven't seen Scarlett since she dropped her gun to hug the re-re furries... Has she been deposited into a backroom somewhere and labeled as "recreation time" for the Dreadnoks?... Ewwww, what if she's now a sexual plaything for the furries themselves?! That's just something I don't even want to think about.
76: Why do the Joes stop fighting the Cobra forces the minute the giant cubes start glowing? They basically let the Cobra troops just run away (Cobra being so damn sure of their abilities that they don't even leave a battalion behind to guard the glowing cube), and they don't even fire one missile at the remaining cube. The Joes ha've already wasted so much ammo and artillery on each of these missions, what's one or two more missiles? Isn't it worth a million dollar Tomahawk to test to see if the cubes can be destroyed? It's like Cobra just tells them, "As soon as the cube glows, it's indestructible!!!" and the Joes are all like, "Bummer... That sucks. Oh well. Whatever." Losers.
77: Wait a tick... The cubes need to be placed around the equator in order to cover the Northern Hemisphere in Darkness when the Pyramid becomes operational, right?... So one goes to a volcanic hotspot in the middle of the Pacific, one goes to somewhere in Southeast Asia, another goes to some ship graveyard in the Atlantic... and the final cube goes to the Arctic?...
78: This one is a shout out to Quick Kick: You moron. I don't care if you're filming a multi-million dollar commercial in an Arctic, you are a fucking dumbass to walk around (and get deserted by your entire film crew) in only a pair of pants, no shirt or shoes. At least he remembered his throwing stars though. Another thought crossed my mind just now. QK's producer left him in the middle of this frozen wasteland by the sea with no food or clothes... That's attempted murder, Jack!
79: BULLSHIT moment of the entire series. Yes, this goes beyond giant water robots, walking clay statues and unexplained teleportation... THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL that Quick Kick would have been able to so completely kick Storm Shadow's ass like that. I declare shenanigans!
80: Ah! There's Scarlett.... On the USS Flagg with Flint and Lady Jaye?.... Wha????
81: Stupidity with electric cables is contagious. Now Tomax is slicing into live wires with a metal knife. I'm honestly surprised that more kids didn't fry back in the mid-eighties due to imitating animated morons in G.I. Joe.
82: Even though the two live wires that Tomax just cut went to two separate connectors, Lady Jaye splices them both together. Is she trying to short out or blow up the whole carrier?
83: I can now die a happy (or is that sad) man... I've seen Snake Eyes in drag, wearing a blonde wig, dancing to a Miami Sound Machine beat. I.... Whoa...
84: What kind of radar or sonar is the USS Flagg using? It can't sense (or hear) two turbo charged Cobra Hydrofoils sneaking up on it?
85: The Baroness must like the taste of polished metal. She's constantly sucking Destro's face off throughout the show.
86: Did Destro actually name that gay little tentacled robot that he throws at Lady Jaye a "Robotipuss"?
87: What the heck are those "Starflies" that Xamot throws at the sailors guarding the brig made out of? They're psychedelic butterflies that turn to gas? That "Hey, look at the pretty butterflies," sailor should be courtmartialed by a jury of his fellow fucktards. Ass.
88: Are the Crimson Guard twins actually boating away on rafts linked to fucking sharks? How under God's holy hell does that work properly?
89: Satin is the coolest slinky-dress wearing chick on the whole goddamn planet. Just an observation.
90: Why would two brilliant tacticians like the twins hire the dumbest shit-eating dickhead bikers in the galaxy (i.e. the Dreadnoks) as their aces in the hole? This harkens back to my question of "why not plant CGies in the space station?"
91: Did Major Bludd seriously drive the whole fucking way back to Cobra's HQ (presumably in South America given all the clues we've been fed) from wherever the fuck that Arctic cube drop was on the equator? Did I just type that? I wonder what Cobra blows on fuel costs in a year considering Bludd made his trek in a fucking tank too.
92: After Alpine, Bazooka and QK sneak onboard that Cobra plane and then get bushwhacked while in the air by the Cobra troops who hid in the back, Bazooka proves that he is the biggest pussy on the team... Either that or he just gets saddled with the only Cobra trooper who wasn't a complete and total wuss himself.
93: It's been 2-3 days TOPS since Space Station Delta blew the fuck up Joe HQ and it's already fixed up as good as new. Those are some great government contractors that Uncle Sam got to work on that project. When are they going to get rid of the potholes on I-85 now?
94: Whup! Scarlett's back in the space station in time for the Fatal Fluffy meltdown... And so is Barbeque who was just in Joe HQ welcoming back Shipwreck and Snake Eyes. I'm confused again.
95: Destro and Baroness totally have their priorities in check: First make out like monkeys, THEN pay attention to the glowing, beeping button that tells them when a priority one message is coming in from Cobra Commander himself.
96: Obviously all of Cobra Commander's underlings fear him too much. Nobody's told him that "yes" a bunch of Joes recently have infiltrated his base of operations and even stole one of his big ass jets in their escape. CC still sees no reason to safeguard himself from an attact as all of his carefully crafted plans come undone, even at his subordinates' request. That's just sloppy leadership. He also seems to be painfully unaware of Snake Eyes and Shipwreck's infiltration of his cube making factory.
97: Okay, one more "WTF" moment here. Why would Cobra Commander have a "self destruct" button set up for the giant cubes? And even if he did have one, why would he build an entire room dedicated to said button and have this button so clearly labeled as such? I'd make the actual "self destruct" button the one labeled "View Cobra Commander's Bathroom" and the button that actually says "self destruct" lead to a laser firing at the moron stupid enough to press it.
98: If I were in Joe HQ when Quick Kick arrives and starts talking like Corky on speed I would have shot him just to shut him the fuck up. Did he seriously believe that "pretending to rewind" his conversation would have gotten any laughs from a bunch of soldiers who just came back from the field after getting their asses handed to them by a terrorist organization determined to rule the world?
99: So Cobra has an energy beam that can cause instantaneous heat-stroke in hundreds of people at once? Once again, what's up with the hugely complicated and expensive plots and weapons when something like that will do the job just as well if not better?
100: The gayest way to save the day: Alpine yodeling. Even gayer? Bazooka and Quick Kick joining in.
101: Post 9/11 I've got nothing to say about Extensive Enterprises Towers transforming into a rocket... Wish I could though. It's very Freudian in the very least.
102: The Rocket mentioned above looks like it's made out of Legos. What makes Shipwreck so sure that "once it gets up no force on Earth will be able to handle it"? Plus he seems to forget that the Joes still have the Space Station Delta laser. Well, I guess that's not "on Earth", so he's got me there.
103: Zartan is dumber than I thought. First he escapes his confines... Smart. Then he frees the fucks who turned on him and caused the whole plan to die like a goldfish in a tank full of bleach... Dumb. Just let them rot in G.I. Joe jail or kill them yourself, Zarty.
104: The Joes seem to be pretty well versed in piloting Cobra planes, choppers and Trouble Bubbles. More so than even their own equipment.
105: Shipwreck is the coolest Joe ever. 2 seconds after averted Armageddon and he's already getting some tongue action from Satin. Niiiiiiiiiiiiice.
106: After all is said and done and we see the heads of Cobra sneaking away in some subway system I just have to say that Cobra Commander and Destro are just terrible at disguising themselves. Just take off your shiny metal masks, morons, and maybe nobody would look at you funny or report your asses to the authorities.
107: One final question about the whoooole Operation Pyramid of Darkness. So, said pyramid stops ALL electrical devices from working, got it. From planes to wrist watches. So, the instant the pyramid is erected there were probably close to 2,000 airplanes in the air and millions of cars on the streets on US soil alone that suddenly failed. Not to mention pacemakers and respirators and such. As soon as Cobra Commander switched the darkness on he was responsible for the largest mass genocide this side of WWII! Why was G.I. Joe STILL the only group going after his ass for the rest of the story?! And, if the Pyramid of Darkness is indeed strong enough to cancel out all electrical devices (no matter how small), wouldn't it turn off all electrical pulses in the human body too? Nerve signals, brain signals, all minor electrical currents. More than 4/5ths of the world's population could have been ker-plunk in the blink of an eye. That was quite a chance the fucker took there.
And now the award for the MOST RETARDED LINE as spoken in a G.I. Joe mini-series.
The winner is: The Baroness, for actually stating "Oh, Destromeo, how galant..." Christ.
And now the award for the BEST AND COOLEST LINE as spoken in a G.I. Joe mini-series.
There is a tie: First up we have Shipwreck for his line of, "We just went from the sewer up to the toilet." I loved this line so much as a kid that I've been using it since this series first aired.
And the second quote for best line is Cobra Commander for his, "I HATE this job!" Pretty self explanatory.
Well, I hope you enjoyed this little trip down memory lane. And if you didn't then you probably never liked G.I. Joe in the first place cause you're a commie bastard. If that is the case, then fuck off, I don't want you on my site anyway.
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