G.I. Joe Vs. Cobra and Destro!
(page II)

16: Did you know that the closed captioning for when the giant barbarian dude talks/screams is actually, "Aaargh" and "ARrrr." Just like a pirate!

17: When the Cobra slave driver checked Duke out to see what the slave girl, Silena, had handed him all he did was grab Duke's chest then give up. The gold plate was in his fucking rolled up sleeve! Chreeyist! How much does Cobra pay these lazy jerk-offs?! My friend Kuni may be a lame-rod assfucker, but even he's not that much of a deadbeat wanker while on the company's dime! And he doesn't even work for something as important as the field of profession of Prison Guard.

18: Anybody else laugh out loud when Scarlett first addressed "Snowjob?" I heard the wrong thing and had to rewind twice to make sure that a cartoon character in a kiddie show didn't say what I thought she said.

19: Let me get this straight. The Cobra Organization has the power to override EVERY television and radio signal in the world?.... What the fuck else do they need?! They could screw every world power over in no time flat with just that technology? Did Destro just convince the Cobra Commander that he "simply had to buy that marvelous and stupendous molecular transmitter in order to prove to the world that Cobra had fangs of steel... and parts and labor are extra."?!?!? I swear, Destro could sell human excrement to people living in the gutter in Calcutta.

20: Cobra Commander proves that he never watched Sesame Street while growing up. He can't count. He tells the Soviet leader that he has "10" seconds to surrender, but less than 5 later he calls "time".

21: Reagan was right! The Soviets were total pussies! We so could have taken them in WWIII! They have an army of thousands marching in Red Square. They have tanks and tons of nukes with them too when Cobra Commander transports them to his secret base. The Soviets are well armed, but they surrender to no more than 25 Cobra Troopers proving that the U.S. is the greatest country in the world!!

22: Why the hell is anybody even a slave at Cobra HQ when those mind controlling headbands just pop right off? Cobra lets the slaves walk around without the devices turned on too, so why don't they smash them the first time the switch is off?

23: Duke must have really pussy-like, slender women's fingers. He wears his ring on his middle finger, and when he gives it to Silena when he's about to leave the Cobra base it fits the slave girl's middle finger quite snugly too.

24: We all knew that Snake Eyes was a brooding loner, right? But until now I never realized that he was also suicidal. When he's in the cave running back to the rest of the Joes with the radioactive crystals in his possession, he shoots the "radioactive shield" down to block the "radioactive cloud" from getting to his friends. But the cloud is so damn far behind him he could have easily walked past the shield and closed it from the other side. What's up with that?

25: As for Duke's escape from the Cobra Fortress: Holy shit! How far can one hang glider go?

26: When Duke falls in the quicksand after being chased by an entire platoon of Cobra Infantry and HISSes and planes and shit, only two Cobra troopers watch him sink below the surface and they walk away after 3 whole seconds without firing a few shots to make sure he's ka-put. They don't even try to recover the body. I swear to God that Cobra Commander is paying these assfucks too much.

27: I have a friend who graduated with a political science degree and not even he had an answer to my next perplexing plot point (and this was the first time ever his degree could have come in handy). Soooooo, if NONE of the world's nations would surrender to Cobra when they were first asked to, why the hell do ALL of their leaders go to the island (unarmed, I might add) that Cobra Commander demander that they go to? Why not just say "Fuck you," from the safety of their capitals?

28: After all those leaders are teleported away by Cobra's M.A.S.S. Device, the entire globe is surprised that such a thing could happen. Everybody in Joe HQ is confused out of their simple little gourds too despite the fact that Cobra's already teleported the Eiffel Tower and the entire Red Army away in the exact same manner just a few hours before.

29: After Duke is miraculously found and picked up by the Joes, Doc takes his unconscious body to the HQ control room instead of the medical ward. Apparently he was never forced to take that Hippo-chondriac Oath.

30: A bit of plagiarizing here. I'd bet they call it "paying tribute" though. The Cobra Search Android that Major Bludd sends into the cave to recover more radioactive crystals is ripped off directly from the Empire's interrogation droid that "probed" Leia in Star Wars.

31: Major Bludd would be courtmartialed and then shot in the head by any real army. He just let's the enemy walk away with the crystals that he was ordered to keep the Joes from getting. Sure Snake Eyes was glowing and nobody wanted to touch him, but you don't need get near somebody to put a bullet in them.

32: Apparently diving to the bottom of "the deepest sea trench" in the world, several miles below the surface of the water is no big feat. All you need is a fast sub (to get you down there in less than 2 minutes) with nothing more than a half inch of glass. I seriously don't know what James Cameron was bitching about when he was filming Titanic.

33: Snake Eyes proves that wolves are just playful and loyal puppies in disguise as ferocious beasts. Pet one today.

34: One thing that struck me at this point in the story is that ALL Joes are fun loving and nice guys, while ALL Cobras are total dickheads.

35: Fun Fact - Polar bears can grow as large as a 3 story building and they love to eat radioactive, glowing men who "krackle" with energy.

36: Blind people apparently have better than 20/20 vision.

37: In one shot we can see that Cobra Commander is the most paranoid mother fucker on the planet. He's making his forces run around the world to collect more of the 3 catalytic elements when we can see that his M.A.S.S. Device is full in the background.... That makes me wonder about something else. Why the hell didn't he have Destro just collect an ass-load of all of the elements the first time they were gathered? Also, why aren't either the Joe or Cobra forces taking as much as they can of each of the rare materials now that they have the chance? Why only collect a gallon or two of each?

38: Scuba diving in a thin wetsuit thousands of leagues under the sea (in the world's deepest ocean trench) is fun and easy (and warm). Even people who "don't know the first thing about deep sea diving" can do it and not get crushed by the water pressure, suffer the bends or get crushed and freeze to death with hypothermia.

39: I won't even comment on the giant tube worms.

40: One thing I was worried about in planning my deep sea hunting trip for hyper-prehistoric MEGA sharks was whether or not my guns would be able to fire at all under the waves. G.I. Joe shows us that they will indeed and that they're even more powerful there due to some reason that I can't even imagine.

41: I'm confused as to how the Joes can speak to each other while underwater with normal oxygen mouthpieces stuck between their teeth? They actually sound clearer than when they're talking over intercoms.

42: Okay okay okay... Say for a moment that I actually believe that this "heavy water" can actually power the M.A.S.S. Device. Now, how in the hell did Dr. Vanderbeek actually FIND the heavy water to discover that it absotutely ran his machine in the first place? It's at the bottom of the world's deepest sea trench in a small cave accessible only through a forest of giant man-eating tube worms and a tiny opening. Not to mention that anything below two miles of ocean is blacker than Kuni's soul.

43: Fun Fact - A simple combination of leaves and herbs stops and cures bad cases of radiation sickness. It's always the stuff right in front of you that you overlook. I guess the people of Chernobyl were too busy running for their lives and melting to actually think about stopping and rolling in the mulch. Hmmmmm, I guess I'll have to see if monkey urine and elf hair cures the AIDs next.

44: The Joes prove that anybody with a few tin cans and some rocket fuel can build an operational self-launching satellite (with lasers) and an incredible camera system that can send back shots that show the target reaching its destination from a third person point of view. It must use mirrors.

45: Cobra has astro-troopers geared up 24-7 just waiting to be teleported into space... and apparently left there (as Cobra runs out of elemental power after they're shot into the astro-sphere).

46: Why would Cover Girl call the booby-trapped canister a "fusion bomb?" And if it was a fusion bomb would launching it a scant 50 feet away from the base truly save anybody's ass? And also also, is Cover Girl psychic? She calls Snake Eye's wolf "Timber" before anybody can tell her its name... Unless Timber told her... Which brings up even more questions.

47: Sooooooo, what kind of freaky material is that third element truly made of? It's a meteorite, sure... But it's been sitting in lava for 100,000 years and it's still okay? Even on a molecular level? This also falls into the category of "How in the fucking hell did the good doctor find this?"

The Final Misadventures of G.I.Joe
end on page 3 >>>